powerful song

I love how powerful her songs and words are.

really?!..

My Chart is out of wack... again this month.

I just finished two months back to back of clomid... 

This month I'm taking a break. No progesterone and no clomid..

I heard after two cycles back to back of clomid you have more chances of being regular the fallowing month.. in witch case I read about people who got pregnant on their break of  trying.,.. 

Looks like i'm out this month.. 

My right ovarie has been hurting the past 2 days, most likely a big cyst gah. 

Jan 28th is negative result.. thought today would get darker but didn't.. frustrating.. 

Monday...

When I have a minute this week, I will share with you all my *Smash* Book that I've secretly been working on during my cycle 4 and 5 of clomid. I'm a bit of a scrapbooking-- crafty girl.. I seem to turn everything into some kind of craft haha... (It's my therapy).

Maybe it will inspire some of you to create something nice for memories to look back on when you do finally get your BFP! Documenting my clomid cycles, symptoms, vitamins I'm taking, diets I try and so on.. it helps me compare from month to month what I'm doing differently and it's nice to have something to show in the long run and to look back and remember the hard times and the better times while 'TTC'.

I also chart my OPK's by gluing them down on a paper (grid) and writing information beside them like the date, time, cycle day and results. It's been really helpful to keep track of my cycles and since my ovulation days are NEVER the same from month to month (or lack of) it's nice to have something to pin point the days. I'm sure my infertility specialist doctor will appreciate them as well..

I do not however chart my temperature.. I never really understood how to do them on the computer and I don't really see the point to them.. I gave it a shot for couple days and it really didn't seem accurate. I'd love to give it another shot if anyone out there who has tricks to them or would like to explain to me how to do it and what program is the best to use.. I'd definitively be willing to give it another shot.


The Infertile Mrs.White
xox

If you guys are big into crafts, check out my other blog.. :)
http://pumpkinspice-life.blogspot.ca/

More TwoWeekWait Info

These are examples of all the different success stories you can read and you can click on the stories-categories that relate to your situations. I swear that website is really something I suggest to anyone and everyone TTC. They really have it all on there!! It's really been helping me threw the 'tww' even if i keep getting BFN's month after month.. So go check them out: www.twoweekwait.com.  Hope this helps some of you go threw the longest two weeks. :) Below are some of the categories they have that you can click on.. Personally I check out the Clomid and the PCOS one the most :-)


TTC SUCCESS STORIES Categories
All BFP Stories
BFP on a Break      ***** I wish!
BFP with Clomid    
BFP by DPO
BFP with Endometriosis
BFP by IUI
BFP by IVF/ISCI/FET     ****I wish!
BFP after Laparoscopy
BFP with Late Ovulation
BFP with Male Factor
BFP after Miscarriage
BFP with Multiples         ****I WISH!!! 
BFP au Naturale
BFP by Prayer
BFP with Preseed
BFP with PCOS      
BFP by Sperm Meets Egg Plan (SMEP)
BFP with Spotting
BFP over 40


Baby Dust to All XOX
The infertile Mrs.White

Trying to conceive Lingo Dictionary

I'm a HUGE fan of the 'two weeks wait' website. I check it out almost daily and really love reading everyone's positive stories about 'finally' getting their first BFP 'big fat positive' after months/years of trying. Helps keep me in check and hopeful. I have to admit I cry alot while reading them haha.. Their stories are all so touching and I'm happy for all these people even if I've never met them. Also, I love how they have various forums, I tend to read the posts that relate to my infertility situation (Pcos, hypothyroidism.. clomid..). In their posts, everyone tends to write their symptoms prior to ovulation, during their two weeks wait and after their BFP. It's very helpful and it's nice to know that I can relate some of my symptoms on clomid with others. Keep telling myself one day it will be my turn and I'll finally get to post my BFP. Anyways.. I'm all about the TTC Lingo now haha.. even my husband laughs at me. So I thought I'd post the 'Lingo' Dictionary off the two weeks wait website.

If you've never checked out their site, I highly suggest it..  here's the link.. warning: it's highly addicting.. ;)

http://www.twoweekwait.com/articles/ttc-online-lingo-dictionary

TTC Online "Lingo" Dictionary

A

AAMOF - As A Matter Of Fact

ACA - Anti-Cardiolopin Antibodies

ADN - Any Day Now

AF - Aunt Flo - Menstrual Cycle

AH,AZH - Assisted Hatching

AHI - At-home Insemination

AI - Artificial Insemination

AIH - Artificial Insemination from Husband

AKA - Also Known As

AO - Anovulation

AOA,AVA - Anti-ovarian Antibody

ART - Assisted Reproductive Technology

ATM - At The Moment

AWOL - A Woman On Lupron

B

B4 - Before

B4N - Before Now

BA - Baby Aspirin

BABYDUST - Good wishes vibe for getting pregnant

BBL - Be Back Later

BBT - Basal Body Temperature

BBs - BooBies AKA Breasts

B/C - Because

BC - Birth Control

BCP - Birth Control Pills

BD - Baby Dance (intercourse)

BF - BreastFed, BoyFriend

BFN - Big Fat Negative (Neg Pregnancy Test)

BFP - Big Fat Positive! (Positive Pregnancy Test)

BIL - Brother InLaw

to be a bit more specific...

I feel the need to clarify how I started off my blog....

This blog is about me.. and about how much I dislike myself at times. How I wish infertility didn't transform me into this monster inside. I wish that I could be happy for everyone around me and just move on and be stronger. But here I am.. this is my therapy.. I need to write it down and I need feedback, I need advice from people who are going threw some of the same things or have it worst so I can learn tricks to cope.. I also need to heal me..

When I'm talking about 'friends' and 'people'.. I'm being very general.. just because you are my friend and reading this, it doesn't meant AT ALL that it is meant towards you. This is a place where I can share my honest feelings and emotions while I'm going threw this journey. 'people and friends' can easily be the gorgeous mom's in walmart pushing their baby stroller with a cute baby bump who are all smiles going up and down the baby aisles. I envy them, I want to be them and my heart can't help but ache. 'People' can also be my close friends, my new friends, my childhood friends, my parents, my siblings, my pregnant cousins, pregnant friends, pregnant co-workers, anyone really. When I talk from my heart, please be patient with me and do not take everything I say so literal.. it's how I'm feeling inside and everyday i'm trying harder and harder to see things in a more positive light and to get myself out of this dark place I'm stuck in.

Everyone always tells me.. ''There's a reason for everything'' well.,. I really don't see the reasoning behind this one... but I guess that's why I'm on this journey.. to find out... (tear)

To my close friends, I know you guys want the best for me and really do try to understand me and put yourselves in my shoes. I love you guys for it and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for trying.


All this to say....

Now that I put it out there.. now that I opened up to the world about.. there it is.. the dreaded word.. "Infertility" I feel like a bit of weight has lifted off my shoulders. That no, I'm not in this alone.. Opening up to my friends felt really good. No, they might not 'fully' understand what I'm going threw but that's expected.. and I can't truly know what their going threw by being new parents and all that comes with that. It's not an easy job being a mom.. it's something I look SOOOOO forward to some day.. to not 1 but like 5 kids. But there it is.. out there.. and maybe it's for the best.. maybe now people will understand me a bit better when I'm not always all smiles, or when I back off a bit and become distant. It's not because I don't want to be there, it's because I can't for that moment.. weeks.. months whatever it takes.

Please be patient with me as I work threw this.. to someday having a more positive outlook on this.. altho there is absolutely NOTHING positive about infertility.. mostly just black bad sadness comes attached to that word.. but hey.. this is my journey and I'm gonna go where it takes me.. and I'm going to push as far as I have to.. to get to where I want to be.. a Mom, a Parent.. most of all a Family. Brad and I will never feel truly complete withought a big family to love. We have sooo much good to give, we want so much to teach our kids and grow old with them. ahh just thinking of what we could have... kills.,. yet gives me butterflies.. I know how amazing we will be at parenthood.. and that's a train I just can't wait to get on!!!

HOPE..

I was slowly loosing it... but I'm starting to see things in a better light...
Like I said, we will do anything-everything  to get our family together..
I rather it not take 10 years since it's all so $$ but ya..

The Infertile Mrs.White

Infertility = $&Tears

Who knew eh... Getting pregnant cost more then a brand new car...

This is for the people who don't understand the hurtles of infertility.. 

MONEY IS ALWAYS AN ISSUE!!!! 

Really wishing all it took was one simple sperm to reach one small egg! 

If only it was that simple... 

And for the record.. Clomid HURTS like hell.. I must have gotten every single symptom.. to those who 50mg of clomid did nothing.. I envy you. My ovaries were on fire and felt like bombs ready to explode, they even radiated so much heat... I'm really not looking forward to seeing myself on 150mg. Watch out world.. I might be a walking hazard. 

Did I mention MOST of these drugs are NOT covered by insurances. 

Note the highlighted sentence at the bottom.. FML.. even a small chance at possibly getting pregnant will cost us $$$.. and there's NEVER any guarantees . I have something like 60% chance MORE then the average woman to loose the baby within the first 3 months. Awesome eh.



IVF is something like $10 000.. so that idea will never be a possibility unless we win the lottery. Even if we were to save and raise the money.. that's $10 000 that WOULDN'T be going towards all the baby equipment we would need 9 months later. Also that's $10 000 that has absolutely NO GUARANTEES attached to it. Did I mention IVF is a long painful process of injecting needles and taking drugs.. It's really not something to take lightly. The cost and the idea of IVF is so unrealistic at this point.. and I get SOOO irritated when friends.. people..  throw that idea around like its no big deal. Just wish people would get informed before throwing comments like that out there!!


This post is not meant to target anyone.. it's just me venting out loud.
The Infertile Mrs. White

And here we are... finally..

Got this in the mail yesterday.. 

This makes it all so much more real now..  

I'm not sure how to react to it all.. I read threw the pages.. and I can't help but feel like it's addressed to the wrong person.. I've been waiting and wishing for this day since we moved out here.. Getting all new gynecologists, new doctors, new specialist.. being able to get a new outlook on it all... but now that it's here.. I'm scared. Extremely happy but nervous to start this new chapter.. I'm scared of what the doctors will say, what they wont say, hearing bad news.. I know I'm being so negative but it's almost like I'm bracing myself.. If I don't mentally prepare for the worst then I sink even more.. Ughh I'm dramatic I know.. 

I need it to sink in more.. alot more..

They gave me a list of links to check out.. 

So this shall be my weekend read.. with a whiskey&ginger in hand.

HA! ughh.. If you have any better links and suggestion PLEASE share!!! 

After 15ish months if not more of being silent...

Here I am..

I've come to this.. the need to start a infertility blog to help me cope and vent.. I have so much to say.. so many thoughts and mixed feelings about everything. I have so many insecurities, questions, concerns and I feel very VERY alone in all of this. My husband has been amazing threw it all but it's still down to he is a man and there is only so much he can 'really' understand.. Also he is taking the whole 'Let's be positive about all this' route and I'm really not jumping right on board.. I fake that im okay, I fake that every single day doesn't bother me and that im not dying inside and crying and yelling. I feel like no one around me understands what it is im going threw also I haven't really told many people.. I feel like they wouldn't understand anyways and I don't know how to tell them... don't know how they will react.. if they don't react the way id expect them too then ill feel even more alone and resent them.. yet not telling anyone i think is starting to really hurt me. I need to let this dark secret out.. I need to talk about it.. I need to get all this weight off my shoulders and frankly im so sick and tired of hearing people comment about how I love children so much and always wanted a big family since I was very young and how come we don't have 2-3 kids yet. I usually smile politely and walk away at those comments.. I now live ruffly 4000 km away from all my friends, family and everything I've ever known. We moved out here to Alberta at the end of March 2012 for my husbands job. At the time I figured a fresh start could do us all some good and distance gave me new prospective on my life, friendships, relationships and what was important to me and our new marriage.

This blog is not intended to be perfect, I am a crazy out there kind of person and when I start to open up my heart and pour it onto this blog there will be many dark posts and hopefully some more cheerful ones. I am doing this for ME. I think im finally ready to open up and surround myself with people who 'Get Me'. No offence to my friends who try and understand me.. you never will but I appreciate you being there for me. It means more then you'll ever know.

I'm at that point in my life where it seems like EVERYONE around me is pregnant, just had a baby or is working on their second. I want to be happy for all of them, I want to be that 'good friend' who's there for them, who's all cheery and supportive.. but to be honest that's the last thing I could picture myself doing right now. I hate them all and I can't look at my pregnant friends pictures and see their belly's growing without being envious, jealous, sad, angry and want to cry my eyes out and hide in a dark room and be left alone. I hate who I have become. I hate this dark, depressed person. I can hardly recognize myself anymore. I got pretty good at pretending that I'm okay, that being around all this baby stuff isn't killing me... but news flash people.. IT F*CKING HURTS !!!!



Riiiight!!!
Try over a year and 5 cycles of clomid
then tell me you 'understand'. Ughh!!



I've read all these blogs about infertility and how each and every person is coping it in their own ways. I like to read those blogs where the woman are real.. say it how it is and don't sugar coat it. IT SUCKS!!! We do become 'bitches' and we do turn into people we really don't want to be or even thought we could be.

Well everyone.. here I am.. this is me now..

The infertile Mrs.White