Ranting

I hate wanting to walk down a different aisle in a store when I see a glowing pregnant woman, I hate that my heart aches every time I see a mom in her late 20's with her 3 kids and 1 on the way.. because that's what I always wanted . I used to always be the good friend, a person all my friends could rely on and the 'go to' person. I always had useful advice, tips, suggestions.. I was always able to spark up a good discussion about why they should or shouldn't do something and helping them find the pro's and con's so that they could come up with their own answer/solution to their problem. Now I feel like a useless friend. I've been hiding out in my own little world for months now. Most of my close friends have babies.. children and working on their 2nd. When I was more hopeful about my infertility and a little naive too I guess.. (used to always tell myself it will happen next month.. next month..) I seemed to be able to go threw life so much easier. I used to try and keep more in touch with those friends and always want updates about their life as mom's, always wanted to know what their kids were up to and what funny things the kids were up to and I really did love hearing all the stories, looking at all the 10000 pictures people take of their families and be a good friend and be part of their joy and happiness as new mothers.. Lately (past couple months) it's like I want no part in it.. I ALWAYS think about them and wonder what their up to and I see their pictures and funny videos on facebook but it always tugs at my heart.. I no longer see it as awww cute so happy for my friends.. I see it as 'I'm a failure' because I should be living that life too... The only thing that goes threw my head is 'why not me.. why put me threw this'. I used to be so hopeful and now I seem to be stuck. I know 1 failed IUI is not the end of the world.. don't get me wrong.. but in my world it is a big deal. I have to go threw alot just to be able to go threw a iui cycle. The clinic is so far from my house that it makes it all so much more complicated. It's not 'just' a iui cycle.. it's a cycle that turns my life upside down for a month and a half to only see a negative sign at the end. If it was less than an hour away from my house I think I would feel different about it all.. but for my situation now, it is a big deal.

The Infertile Mrs.White

And the pregnancy announcement season begins! Joy.

I've had a crappy week.. Seems like pregnancy announcements are in the air.. I don't think i'm in the right frame of mind to handle anything baby related for another week. I thought I was doing better, I thought I was getting stronger again and able to face the world of fertile people... but I was wrong.. very wrong. I'm an emotional wreck and have been keeping to myself.. Every time my phone rings or makes a noise saying I received a text I pray it's not another pregnancy announcement. I hate that I feel this way.. I hate that I can't be happy for my childhood best friend who lives couple provinces away.. who just announced to me the other day that she's pregnant. I received this news not even a week after my failed IUI.. (granted she had no idea of my situation.. and I do not blame her in any way, I'm speaking in terms of everyone is happy, fertile and want to spread their joy while all I wanted for the 2 weeks fallowing my failed iui was peace and no reminders, no baby talk.. nothing.. just wanted to be left alone.) She announced her pregnancy over text message and for some reason I really wish we hadn't had that conversation. I wish I would have just left it at Congratulations.. only because I really don't like when people throw ideas and suggestions out there to try and make me feel better when really all it does is make me feel 100 times worst because I don't need suggestions at this point, I don't need sympathy I just need to be understood and acknowledged if that makes any sense. Don't get me wrong, I do want suggestions and helpful tips on how to cope with infertility but I do NOT want or appreciate people throwing around ideas that are so not appropriate and like I haven't thought of everything before they mention it.. ex: Why don't you adopt? (Like it's that simple! the cure to being infertile) Makes my blood boil. I can't stand naive comments.. I used to.. but now that I'm deep in this infertility and have made alot of research and realized more then ever what it would mean to me to have my own child I can't stand those comments. I always wonder if they put themselves in my shoes for a second before they threw those comments out.

What now..?

I needed time to process this failed cycle before calling my Dr's office. 

I think I'm ready to call them tomorrow and see how soon they can get me in.

Sorry for my bitter, long and ranting prior posts. 

I had alot on my mind and heart. I had the past 2 days to wrap my head around the whole "what's next'' question. Husband and I have alot of serious talk to do.. I desperately want to try IVF next and say fuck to trying IUI again. I wanna go big or go home. Only problem is the $. We have to sit down and crunch some numbers down and see who can help us out and what it all would involve. Really thankful and happy we both have really good insurances :) Fiouf it will def help out.

I know I have to keep positive, see things on a better note. I've learnt alot threw the IUI process about myself and I need to keep my head in the game. This is not the end, it's only the beginning and I knew that from the start of it all.. It just always stings the first couple days. 

Now for the next couple days I plan on throwing myself in the IVF information overload train. I want to get as much facts, numbers, what to expect, pro's, con's and advise as I can get. I also need to find funds and see if it's even achievable for us right now. We wouldn't do it for a couple months though. I want my body to stop hurting for a while.. Tired of side effects. 

....When & How...

The Infertile Mrs.White

Mad, sad, angry... Broken :(

Yesterday I cried my way to work, cried at work and cried my whole way home. Then cried some more at home in my husbands arms. I guess all my bottled up emotions from the failed past 2 years of trying caught up to me. This failed cycle broke me. I'm so sick of trying and failing one month after another.. I gave this shot all I had and now I'm left very empty, sad and wasted ALOT of money, time, 'sick days' at work, put my body threw injections and lived all sorts of emotions threw out the process.. all for NOTHING! I'm soo bitter right now. It's sad to say but I'm almost used to the disappointment . Failing 5 cycles of clomid was doable because I always had something else to look forward to trying (IUI & IVF). Don't get me wrong, every time I didn't see those two lines on my pregnancy tests then AF showed up it hurt like hell and I was sad.. BUT.. I kept telling myself..

Symptoms... Two weeks wait

Here are some of the symptoms I experienced during my 2 weeks wait. (2WW)

3DP-IUI .. Peeing alot today, more then usual
4DP-IUI .. Dizzy, out of it on/off all day. Headache
5DP-IUI .. Extremely dizzy around 4:30pm, thought I was going to pass out. Lasted at least 3 hours. Very not usual for me. I wasn't able to snap out of it. Headache
6DP-IUI .. Really gassy all day
7DP-IUI .. Feeling off all day, really emotional. Headache
8DP-IUI .. Very emotional again today.
10DP-IUI .. Spotted pink when I wiped after peeing around 3:30pm, then nothing. Freaked out and thought maybe it was implantation.. then quickly realized it's way past the implantation time period and then started to freak out. At 7:00pm I started to spot bright red so wore a small tampon to bed.
11DP-IUI ..Woke up and my tampon was full and bright red. My period has definitely started. Light at first, then got heavy towards the afternoon.

It's official.. IUI was a FAIL

The very angry depressed infertile Mrs.White :'-(

Ughh..

No baby for this girl.... Only a red river to remind her she's failed yet again. Might I add it was quite punctual as well, not even leaving me a string of hope.

I am not pregnant and that's okay.
I am not pregnant and that's okay.
I am not pregnant and that's okay.
Maybe if I repeat this enough times threw out my day I will be a little closer to accepting it.

The Pissed Off Infertile Mrs.White.

Mother's Day .. aka Infertile's worst day of the year.

Happy Mothers Day to all you lady's who want to be mothers more then anything but infertility keeps knocking you down.. don't see this day as another year failed.. see it as another year stronger and another year closer to hopefully becoming a mom you know you've always been inside. I'm in your shoes, I feel for you. This holiday is a dreadful one since we keep getting pushed aside.. One day.. that's all I can say.. To all my friends, loved ones and new moms.. you all deserve a day of pampering because it's definitely the hardest job out there. I might be a bitter, jealous, envious, cranky infertile this time of year but I know how hard you all work at motherhood and I say ''keep up the good job!'' because your child notices, your husband/boyfriends notice and everyone around notice. Mothers are the glue that holds a family together. I might not be a mom right now, but I've always been one at heart.

The Infertile Mrs.White
*tear..