Secretly falling apart..

I am on vacation back home "Ontario" from the 6th to the 20th and tonight I'm falling apart :( 

So many of my friends and family have young children and newborns. It's my undoing.. Living so far away from what I knew.. family-co-workers-friends was very hard for me.. It's officially been 20 months since we moved out to Alberta and it's our very first visite back home since. I've been dreaming of going back and hugging my friends and family for months. 

Now that I'm here its strange to say I miss my new home. Never ever did I thought I would feel that way. I guess now I can say we really have created Alberta as our "home" and we really have been working hard towards building our new married life out there with our 2 dogs. Never realized how much I appreciated our daily and life routine. I kinda miss it. I know I'll look back on this post in 6 months and miss Ontario all over again but I think this trip home has done me some good and I see things in a new and positive light. 

Days are flying by so fast!!! Wish they would slow down so I could really soak my time here with friends and family... I want to absorb every minute of it to last us another year or so apart from them. 

The past 2 days my husband has spent his time 3 hours away from where I am to spend time with his family and friends on his own since I wanted to spend some 1 on 1 with my girlfriends for a couple days. Also he went to spend the day today with his bestfriend and his couple month old baby boy. Might I mention this baby boy is like one of the happiest babies I've seen in a long time... Always laughing, smiling and making those adorable cute baby funny noises. He's just overall all sorts of adorable and awesomeness. His parents (husbands bestfriend's wife) always post lots of pictures and videos of this abundness of cuteness all over Facebook.. Pinterest and all that fun stuff.. I've never met the kid yet but I know I'll fall in love with him instantly and I'm scared. I purposely told my husband and encouraged him to go see them while I was with my girlfriends. I don't know if he clued in but I just didn't feel ready to be around that yet. I mean you can see the love between the baby and his parents. The mom is glowing of pure joy and happiness and u can tell how happy and full her heart is with love for her child and husband and it breaks me. I'm so utterly happy for them they deserve all this happiness and for this joy... But for some reason I can't be around it. Every time I see pictures and videos it pulls at my heart and I feel numb.. I feel overcome with so many messed up feelings of envy, rage, sadness... It consumes me and then I get sooo incredibly mad at myself and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I've tried to explain it to my husband weeks ago about not being sure if I'm ready to be around them and being worried I wouldn't know how I'd feel and did not want to ruin my vacation by mopping around being depressed and feeling sorry for myself... He's usually really good at lifting me up when I need it and most of the time knows what to say to get me out of a funk but when it comes to his bestfriend my husband doesn't understand how I feel. He doesn't see it how I see it. Today he sent me a picture of him holding baby boy and omg I was nearly in tears while shopping with my bestfriend. I did not tell her anything about it as I didn't want to hear what she had to say... I know how I feel inside and I just needed to be alone with it. You have no idea how happy my husband looked... His face was literally glowing with love and happiness and he looked so natural holding a baby. Why can't I just be happy for other people?!!! Why do I always have to see things differently. When I see that picture I see what I can't give my husband... I can't give him that level of love and I ache. I can't explain how terribly scared I am that I will never see one of our own child in his arms with that look. Just as I type this im falling apart all over again. 

I'm a mess. I want to be happy for others and I thought I was finally at a hopeful place in my life and that I had learned to accept what I can't control and deal with reality that the world around me keeps moving forward in life while I'm stuck on pause. 

I hurt in levels I didn't know possible and i don't know how to deal with it and I have no one to share it with.. I love my friends but they don't understand it and things they say to try and make me feel better are always the exact thing NOT to say.. So I just know better now... Unless someone is walking in my shoes and living some of the things I live.. 

I've been listening to my family and friends talk about their kids and life as parents and how it's a lot of work and they wonder if they would have waited longer what their lives would be like now and just.. They have really opened up to me about how they feel about their choices to have kids and just a lot of stuff I am not ready to listen to and I guess I'm not strong enough to sit threw and hold my real feelings and thoughts back for... 

I'm way more broken then I thought and I come to realize being provinces away from friends and family starting and growing their families is what's best for me right now and I feel like the worst person even saying it out loud right now. I'm sure my friends would love to have me be a real true friend in their lives to live their new exciting adventures as parents and growing their family and all things being parents comes with and I realized it's ALOT easier for me to be a better friend from a distance. 

If only they all knew and understood what my journey threw infertility has been like for me, my marriage, my sanity, my everything. I am not the same person I was years ago. Infertility really does change a person and I'm sad to say it's not for the best. I really grew as a person and learned a lot about myself, my patience, my emotional state and more. I also learned that I don't know how to be a good friend anyone... Or at least the type of friend my friends need me to be to them. I also realized that they don't know how to be a good friend to me either. It's almost like shutting someone out is easier then trying to understand what their going threw. I have some friends who avoid me because they don't know what else to talk about then their kids and pregnancies with me so they just shut me out thinking that's what I want or something?! 

Infertility ruins people, friendships, marriages, families... 

I want to win my battle.. 

I want my journey to move forward... 

I want to be genuinely happy again... 

I wanna see that look on my husbands face everyday.... 

I want to stop hurting. 

I want to stop fooling myself in thinking I'm strong and hopeful when so many small things make me crumble and ache so deep. 

I want to stop feeling so alone in my feelings and thoughts. 

Did I mention my bestfriend is sleeping.. Snoring actually on a mattress on the floor beside me while I type this... I'm sleeping on a comfy couch.  I've cried as I typed this from start to finish.. Quietly in the dark.. It's 2:45am and I can't shut my brain off... Hoping writing this post helps me empty my head a bit... 

The Sad Infertile Mrs. White 

:(

Scale I hate you !

 

I took this picture today. Hubby and I were on our way to a Arts and Crafs Show.. We haven't been "out" and about together in a while so it was really nice to do something fun together (besides going to the gym!!), plus we're both really into arts so it was a perfect outing for both of us to enjoy. I decided to get prettied up, wore my cutest tightest skinny jeans and a "new but old" shirt that has been collecting dust in my closet for over a year because I couldn't brave wearing it till today!!! I put on some makeup, fixed up my hair and I felt great!!! I actually felt kinda sexy again.. It's been a long time since I felt like that.. At work I feel like a nun, I work with the disabled population and I cover up all the time and I always wear fun colourfull scarves around my neck covering myself even more (feels better around clients to be covered up). Soooo it felt really nice today to show a little more skin and I felt good in my skin finally!! 

Then when we got home.. We rushed to change into our gym gear and went over to workout. Once I got there for some reason I was just so not into it, I felt exhausted, not motivated, I was hungry and this time around my period is heavier then usual so I felt extra crappy (just feeling weird inside typa thing) Sooo I ended up dragging my butt threw most of my workout (lots of things I skipped because I felt really nauseated for example "mountain climbers", ''30 mins intense level cardio" and so on). I still feel like crap now that I'm home and even shittier because I did a half ass workout and not happy about that. 

For the first time in a long time I felt good today and then I get all emotional in the gym, yawned threw my whole workout and did a shitty job at it. 

Now I feel blah. Period I hate you! 

I was having such a good run at my first week of phase 3. Today was my day 2 of week 2 of phase 3 (lol). 

I think a good part of my blah-ness at the gym had to do with I weighed myself before starting my workout and well bad idea... It said I gained 2 pounds. This threw me off since I "felt good" in my tight clothes all day.. Kinda a downer.. Stupid scale is so messed up though because it's on carpet and never gives us an accurate reading. When I was done my workout it told me I had lost a pound since I had first started my workout.. Soo not accurate considering I drank 2 bottles of water and my muscles were swollen from working out. 

Needless to say next time I feel good I'm gonna say "f*ck you scale" and not bother with it. 

Hubby always tells me I should go with how clothes fit me and not the scale since I'm putting on so much muscles so it's normal I guess for it to not drop fast?!  Regardless I wish it did :( what I would do to see 160! It's so ridiculous that 160 sounds so good to me right now when ideally I should be closer to 125 for my hight. :( I hate numbers... They make me so depressed!! 

The Infertile Mrs.White

PCOS sucks!!

Having PCOS sucks...

My period has always been all over the place and shows up when it wants.. skips months then shows up out of the blue. Sometimes it's really heavy others it's barely there. It's always a guessing game and I can never time it's arrival nor do I 'sense' it's on it's way like most of the average women do by getting sore breast or by mild cramping indicating it's about to show up.

But...

I have been taking progesterone pills almost every month for over 3 years now to try and help regulate my cycle by giving myself a period and also to help with my pcos symptoms (so they say.. personally I don't find it helps the symptoms one bit!). For those curious, I take 1 pill a day at 10mg for 10 days. My gynecologist at the time suggested to me to take it every 1st of the month so that it would be easier to remember what day I was on to take the pills and it would be easier to remember this way in general. About a year ago I saw a new gynecologist out here in Alberta and he looked puzzled and even surprised that I was giving myself a period on purpose monthly. He told me that most women would love to be in my position and have few period, they would save money, pain (from cramping and all that jazz) and would be able to plan their lives better and not around a period. His reaction totally shocked me right back, I told him my reasoning was that I was trying to condition my body to hopefully fix itself (haha, naive I know) but like I was hoping it would just get used to the routine and that I could take progesterone every 2-3 months and that in between it would show up on time and on it's own. The gyno explained to me that I really didn't need to have a period every month, that periods are about 'shedding your layer' and that as long as I got a period every couple months I would be fine. Personally I just kept taking the pills because I want to be able to control at least that about my body and also that way I was able to track my non medicated cycles on my own and have less of a guessing game.

Well.... since this month is my month off anything fertility, period, pcos wise I figured hell with it, why give myself one if I don't have to right.. It's not like I need this cycle for anything... Really I don't.. if IUI doesn't work with perfect follicles and perfect sperm then why would doing it on our own work when I know my follicles grow into cyst and NOT eggs.. Anyways.. With the progesterone I usually get my period between the 12th and 15th.. so about 2-5 days after the 10th progesterone pill. Although... there has been a couple months where it showed up between the 18th-20th.

Bottom line is.. I took nothing this month and to my surprise I just got my period today (25th). Light but still very much there. I'm not sure what it means but I guess it's good? Last month (September) I did not take progesterone either because I had done my IUI August 31st and I got my period really heavy on September 5th I believe so there was no need for it.

The Infertile Mrs.White

Zombie Babies!!!.. eeek!

Halloween Countdown 6 Days!!! 

I was in a Halloween Costume Store the other day....

And there were ZOMBIE BABIES!!!!!!!

Hope you don't get nightmares ;) 

Life Update

I know I haven't posted in a while.. it was all part of my time off the blog and everything infertility that I could avoid to rejuvenate myself before going into our ''New Game Plan''. That's for another post though haha so check back for my follow up appointment update.

I've been actively working out and doing the Jamie Eason 12 week challenge. I am officially a day away from week 2 of Phase 3!!! I gave it my all, I changed my eating habits, I loaded up on vitamins and minerals (although I've always been pretty good at taking those) and kept myself very busy for the past month taking on extra shifts at work. I'm getting pretty used to this new lifestyle and routine my husband and I have going on. I have to admit at first it was really really hard but the harder I worked out at the gym and the more I made conscious daily healthy food decisions everything seemed to fall into place with less effort. I'm actually at the point where I enjoy our routine and at the end of the day I feel good about what  I've accomplished witch is nice for a change.

I started this 12 week challenge weighing in at my highest EVER @ 204 (eeek!)
This week, at week 9, I weight in at 188!!

16 pounds in 9 weeks.. not too bad. Definitely wish it was more but I still have 3 long hard weeks of training to go and I'm determine to loose the most during these 3 weeks. Phase 1 is a little slower paced, introducing your body to weights and light cardio, Phase 2 introduces you to challenge your body and lift really heavy weights and you train hard.. This phase makes your body ache daily and I really enjoyed it all.. I love lifting heavy weights, for some reason it comes easier to me and I love to push my limits and from week to week see how much stronger I got and I love pushing my max every week to where I'm lifting weights I never thought I could. Then there is Phase 3, the phase I am in now.. this one is HARD!! Phase 3 is all about supersets and active rest, lower weights with many reps. The workouts are designed for you to sweat from start to finish and challenges your heart rate and your endurance pushing you to your max cardio wise. Then at the end of each workout you have 30 minutes of intense cardio to do.. This is where I think in the next 3 weeks I will be burning the most weight. In phase 1, my body was just warming up and getting used to moving and pushing itself again. Phase 2 was all about waking up those muscles you forgot you had and pushing them to their max by lifting really heavy for lower reps. Now phase 3.. I can say I never had a workout that pushed me to my limits before.. Man oh man.. this phase is great in so many levels because I feel amazing after every workout because I'm covered in sweat from head to toe. I'm alot less sore daily this time around as in Phase 3 it's lower weights more reps but I am definitely challenged in keeping my cardio endurance up because each sets are "supersets and even triplesets" and you feel like you have no time to catch your breath in between workouts witch is the point haha.

This week definitely challenged me thought. Phase 3 takes me alot longer to go threw the workouts and there seems to be like double the amounts of sets to do! I am so hard on myself and try and push myself to my max and seem to get angry with myself when I have "off days" where I don't feel as strong. I am also really hard on myself every time I see the scale. (stupid thing!) Husband keeps telling me to ignore the scale because he says he sees a huge difference in my body already. He says my posture changed, the way my clothes fit changed and that he can really see my muscles toning up and says that I've definetly been putting on ALOT of muscle tone because I'm alot stronger and he can see definition in my legs and arms. (just need to get my stomach to shrink!!)

Overall, I feel ALOT better then I did 9 weeks ago and I'm definitely heading into the right direction. I just need to keep at it, keep pushing threw the long workouts, crush my daily cardio, ignore the scale, drink alot of water and be happy.

I do have to work on keeping work at work and not bringing my stressful day home with me. I've been a stress ball this week because alot has been going on and I just feel like I have no proper time to attack each thing that needs attention and to get done so I end up going to bed waaaay too late, wake up early with barely any sleep and my days drag on. I seem to be in a viscous circle this week of sleeping late, no matter what I tell myself when I wake up all groggy and sleepy and swear to go to bed early that night I still end up going to bed way past midnight. For example fell asleep last night at 4am and woke up at 8am and right now it is past 12:30 am and I still got a few things to do before bed. My brain is just on 'go go go' mode and I feel like I'm not getting all the things I want to get done.. done.

Couple things going on lately

1.  Flying home for a visit in 16 days and have alot to deal with before we go (haven't been home in a year and 8 months!)
- Saving a spot for our big dog at a doggy day care and finding the funds to pay for it!
- Getting a pet carrier bag for the little dog because shes coming on the plane with us.. this was very challenging because all the 3 pet stores we did, did not have the size required for our plane. (she needs to fit under the seats.)
- Finally bought one online and hoped it would do. It just arrived in the mail today and it's perfect! Little dog really likes it haha.. she's awesome.

2. I signed up to be a Stampin' Up Demonstrator!
- I've been wanting to be one for ages and finally worked up the courage to pursue it.
- Had to sign up witch took a little bit to do.
- Had to create my Stampin' Up webpage
- Had to place my first order, this was so exciting and exausting at the same time haha.. I've wanted so many of their items and got so excited and carried away, I checked their online catalogue like 10 times, made 3 different list of 'wish list' 'need list' 'want list'.. checked them all 3 times no joke, then finally placed my first order. (only on the 1st order you get 30% off so I wanted to make it good and worth it! Now I sit and wait till it arrives and I'm just too excited!!!!
- Find myself loosing myself on google searching for my next project to loose myself in.
- I find myself over thinking ways of how I can sell the product I love so much and how I can make my Art Blog even better and how I can vamp up my Facebook Art Fan Page so that even more people check it out.
- My brain is on overload when it comes to anything art related and I love it!! This has 100% helped me go threw the past month or so accepting things I cannot change and dive into things I love and can change! :)

3. Our new Game Plan fertility wise!!! (will be in December..)
- That's a whole other post on it's own so stay tuned for it...
- All I gotta say is that lately it's been on my mind alot and there is alot of research I want to make before we dive into it but I promised myself I wouldn't look at any of it for a couple more weeks.
- New game plan conscist of new, stronger meds and ALOT more of them! This aspect makes me so nervous you have no idea.. so I've been trying to keep away from thinking about it too much yet... I told myself after our follow up appointmnet that right now there is nothign I can change about it and that there is no point to stress about it till we get closer to the time.
- I haven't made a post yet about that appointment because I didn't let all the info sink in because I did not want to stress over it yet and knew there was no point to consume myself in it like I did every other time. The post is coming soon thought!

My red exhausted face at the gym right before 30 mins of cardio.. 

This is me not too impressed, tired, cranky and rather be anywhere but the gym...

But I managed to find something on tv and kicked ass at my cardio. 

The Infertile Mrs.White

My dog is awesome

Squats like a Champ!

That's right ladies... this is ME squatting like a Champ !!

I squatted for 12 reps no problem. (45lbs plate on each side)

Been working hard and it's been paying off :) 

I feel Great!

The Infertile Mrs.White