Happy New Years 2014!

Happy New Years everyone! Another year gone.. 2013 was a very eventful year but still did not end the year with a baby bump or a baby in my arms. 2014 seems more promising already with more aggressive injections and we are giving it our all (again). 2013 was all about testing out dosages.. Getting to know how my body reacts, getting a bunch of tests done.. I'm trying really hard to be hopefull for this coming year. So here's to another year, a fresh start (once again) and to never giving up no matter what your faced with. 

Don't Quit

I found this on Pinterest.. 

The last paragraph is what I needed.. 

The Infertile Mrs.White

3 years...

Infertility has changed me. It changes all women regardless of their age, time length of ttc and no matter how many friends they have, how supportive their family is and how great their husbands are, Infertility changes all of us and there is no escaping it.  

I used to be so naive... 3 years ago when I was reading other fellow infertile's blogs, I remember thinking "Why are they so sad..", "How can they loose hope?", "Why can't they be genuinely happy for others" .. After 2 cycles on clomid I became that bitter, angry person I always read about and finally understood where they came from and truly how hard it can be to be around happy mothers, happy pregnant glowing friends and be genuinely happy for them. It hurts.. daily, not a day goes by that my infertility isn't lurking around the corner.. I can be happy one minute and want to crawl in a dark cave and cry the next. My emotions are always all over the place and half the time I don't recognize myself. It's been 3 years now and it's sad to say but this person has become me. I get so mad at myself for getting worked up about pregnant people around me that I don't even know let alone the ones I do know! I have so much anger inside, so many questions and I'm so sick of being this person. I don't know how to react when friends announce to me their pregnant.. I freeze, I become speechless and tears start running down my face and I can never control it.. This seems to be a re-occurring thing.. no matter if I know the people or not... even watching movies when the girl announces her pregnancy in a cute special way I'm done for the night... and I absolutely hate this!!!! I've always been that really good nice caring friend.. the one my friends could always rely on to be there, to say the right things and to support no matter what the issue was. The past 2.5 years I've been a bad friend.. I've been speechless, I've cried way too much and I've hid from good friends to protect myself.. as much as they say they understand what I must be going threw or feeling they really don't. I love them for trying, I love them for whatever support they were able to give me.. I'm just broken and I don't think this feeling will ever go away.. I've tried so hard to be a better infertile.. to be a positive one, to be able to still slap on a smile for my friends and no matter what be there and support them... but I can't.

I've had a post sitting in my draft for over a week now and I can't get myself to post it... I keep re-reading it and re-working it.. There has been so many pregnancy announcements in the past 2 weeks.. I hurt alot and really deep lately.. it's December.. everyone is celebrating with their families, their loved ones and creating Christmas traditions with their own new little families... something I can only dream of.. I have so many plans for my future family and when I see cute and fun new traditions my close friends have created with their young ones I get so envious, jealous, happy & sad all at once.. I always wanted to be the one with a big family way before my friends.. growing up my friends and family used to always tease me saying how they would always want to go to me when they start their families because they knew how much I was obsessed with the idea of having a big family and start corny traditions with them. Now seeing everyone else go threw all that and I'm still stuck left behind it kills beyond anything.. Especially when I see friends who never wanted kids or weren't ready to be parents and accidentally got pregnant I keep asking myself questions.. "why not me?". Why am I being tested like this.. Why has the past 3 years not been my time and why have I had to watch everyone else get what I've wanted since I was 6 years old.  

The Infertile Mrs.White

Can't go a day..

IUI#3

Our IUI#3 will be in January! Whenever I get my period I call the clinic on day 1 and book the apt for day 3 of my cycle. New year hopefully new start right?! I'm sure hoping so :)

Way overdue update from our Oct 8th followup apt!

Hello everyone,

Alright.. so I finally have something new to report regarding my “What’s Next” fertility treatments. We had our follow-up appointment on the 8^th of October, it was over tele-health witch means over the computer kinda like skype. All we had to do was go to the hospital in our small town on our scheduled day and time and we got to talk to him over a computer. It was pretty neat, despite the run down looking "boardroom" they had for us.. Check out the picture below.

I had booked this appointment the minute I started bleeding 5 days post my IUI (August 5^th) because I wanted to know what went wrong… why I bled so soon and help ease my worries because the whole process leading up to the 2WW period went as planned.. I didn't think I’d have to wait over 2 months.. but I guess I’m used to the wait. 

Anyways back to the appointment, we went in there not really sure what to tell him, what we wanted to do next.. the main thing we wanted to know was WHAT WENT WRONG and how can we make sure it does not happen again.. like really we had such a good cycle and 3 perfect looking follicles, great sperm and then bleeding.. UGH! Last time we saw the Dr we told him we were starting a GOFUNDME  to raise money for IVF and we were hoping to do it the minute we had the funds.. Now realistically we do NOT have the fund for IVF because we did not get the support we had planned on and had to keep dipping in the IVF fund to do the IUI.. I needed 6 300iu Gonal-F pens + a 75iu pen, + Ovidrel + gas to get there and back + days I had to take off work + parking witch is usually between $12-$15. We have been raising money in our page but it hasn’t raised close to enough money yet to help pay for the treatment. Our dilemma is I don’t want to keep wasting months of not doing anything till we raise money because we really have no idea how long that will take and so we had to tell the Dr that IVF is no longer in our "near" future and we have to put it on hold till the funds start rolling in..

The Dr told us that he prefer we not do IVF right away anyways because he says we did not master my dosage yet and he did not feel confident proceeding with IVF till we can get my ovaries/follicles to grow in less time.. (the would grow to the right size but would take around 16-20 days so that means alot more injections and alot more follow ups).

Here’s the info the Doctor gave us:

- IUI#2 looked way better then IUI#1..even if I needed an increase in dosage.
- During my IUI#2 my estrogen got up to around 1994
- My follicles grew to a solid 19 - 16 - 16 witch he says raises a little bit of anxiety..
- Ovulation was good
- No use of progesterone.. not good (should have been given some..)
- My starting Gonal-F dosage should have been higher...
- I am not stimulating well
- progesterone level way too low
- My September 24^th blood work results showed that my thyroid level has gotten better with the med increase. It used to be in the high 4's and is now at 3.2. Still high in my books but Dr said he was going to keep me at the same dosage for now.
Dr gave a bunch of information but most of it I don’t remember as he was talking too fast and mumbling it to himself for me to understand it and write it down.

Dr was like, alright where you can go from here is...

Option 1:
- IUI with Gonal-F starting dose minimum 125 then move on to 150, 5 days in.

Option 2:
- IVF (I then asked him what my chances of success with IVF would be considering my IUI track)

His answer was that his only concern was that I don't have particularly very high progesterone levels.. and said "in theory we would be kicking the shit out of your ovaries" and says I will need alot of medication to get me to ovulate well. He also said I have a reasonable chance that things would work as long as the stimulation part goes well and that they give me enough drugs. Says he would be incline to suggest we do another IUI because he wants to get me to stimulate properly in order to give a much better indication to how to stimulate me for IVF.. how big a dose we need to get to before we see success..

All this being said... 

Our new game plan is do yet another IUI. Doctor’s reasoning for this is that he thinks we still don’t have the right dosage packed down since it took me around 2 weeks to grow my follicles to the right size and we had to keep increasing my gonal-f dosages.. Doctor said my body was “not stimulating well”. Also Dr said the reason I bled so soon was because my progesterone level on the 2^nd half was very low, this meant that my body did not act like it was trying to get pregnant. Apparently my estrogen level was great, he said it reached up to 2000 and I had 3 nice follicles 19, 16, 16. So.. he wants us to try another IUI and throw at it all we got.. this means very high dosages and new meds also adding progesterone to the mix to trick my body in thinking it’s pregnant. 

Instead of using Gonal-F injections, I would use Menopure. I would start my dosage at 125 and go up to 150. I did a little bit of research on this brand/type of injections.. This is the link I found . 

For the progesterone injections I would use Prometrium, 200mg in the AM and 200mg in the PM. This brand of injections is new to me as well so I looked it up and… This is the information I found

This means I am to take 3 injections a day.. and on days where I need to empty a pen I would inject 4 times a day. This fact scares the crap out of me seeing I hate needles and just 1 a day for 16 days was a huge deal for me. (Totally freaking out.. needles HURT like hell, I don’t care what others say, when I injected myself I had good days where it did not hurt as much and bad days where I would hit a weird spot and it would hurt so bad I had to pull the needle out and try again in a different spot). I always injected in the recommended areas so no idea why some areas on some days hurt more then others but it did. The last 3 days of injections were the worst. I was running out of areas to inject myself where I was more certain was “safe” to inject.

So this is it.. our new game plan.. Sorry it took me 2 months to write this post!! It has just been sitting there in my draft as a ruff copy. The pictures below was my husband and I hanging out in the room taking silly pictures after it was all said and done. Wanted to take these for my scrapbook and memories.. What this journey all takes.. and how we cope with it all.

I will make a new post at some point soon with more information on Menopur and Prometrium... like the list of side effects and i'll youtube what the injections look like.. I need to prepare myself for this as I'm extremely nervous!

The Infertile Mr & Mrs White

My new look!!

Here it is!!!

On my trip home, my best friend who is also a really amazing hairdresser gave me a little makeover! 

Here is my BEFORE & AFTER!!!

THEN..... 

The next day my best friend and I went to get BFF TATTOOS!!!! 

It says 19-96 for the year we met and instantly became inseparable and the anchor for "we will never drift apart".. our friendship has gone threw many ups and downs, crazy adventures, she is married with an adorable 3 year old and they have been trying for a second but have had troubles.. I'm starting to think it might be "secondary infertility", really hoping it's not though!.. but no matter what life throws our way we will stick together threw thick and thin and support each other the best way we can.. despite the provinces that separate us since I moved out to Alberta. 

Hahaha.. it hurt so bad, it felt like someone was 

slashing my leg with a knife none stop.. ugh..

It didn't even hurt her! She smiled threw it... trooper!

THEN....

A couple days later I ordered online from Clearly Contacts  a new pair of glasses (finally!!) because mine were over 3 years old and really really scratched. I honestly do not know why I waited so long... I guess because I thought buying glasses online was a weird thing since you don't get to try them on first and I did not buy a pair from the optometrist because they are always so expensive and my work benefits don't cover glasses only my husbands do and I didn't feel like bothering with the insurance over them... Although I still do eventually plan on getting a pair from the eye care place and charge his insurance hihi.. that way I can switch up my look.. Anyways.. I decided to get them online after all because my husbands brother just got a new pair of "nerd" glasses and I loved them on him and so he told me how cheap he bought them for and showed me the website... it's pretty awesome.. you get to take a picture of yourself and then you get to see what all the glasses would look like on you... They ask you to enter the dimensions between your eyes and the width of your face in order to help you choose the right fit! I have to admit the process was actually really fun.. PLUS the shipping is 2 business days so they got to me in no time.. PLUS they fit me like a glove and I absolutely love them and find they complete my new makeover look.. I feel really good about it all! 

Here they are!!!    

The Infertile Mrs.White

Secretly falling apart..

I am on vacation back home "Ontario" from the 6th to the 20th and tonight I'm falling apart :( 

So many of my friends and family have young children and newborns. It's my undoing.. Living so far away from what I knew.. family-co-workers-friends was very hard for me.. It's officially been 20 months since we moved out to Alberta and it's our very first visite back home since. I've been dreaming of going back and hugging my friends and family for months. 

Now that I'm here its strange to say I miss my new home. Never ever did I thought I would feel that way. I guess now I can say we really have created Alberta as our "home" and we really have been working hard towards building our new married life out there with our 2 dogs. Never realized how much I appreciated our daily and life routine. I kinda miss it. I know I'll look back on this post in 6 months and miss Ontario all over again but I think this trip home has done me some good and I see things in a new and positive light. 

Days are flying by so fast!!! Wish they would slow down so I could really soak my time here with friends and family... I want to absorb every minute of it to last us another year or so apart from them. 

The past 2 days my husband has spent his time 3 hours away from where I am to spend time with his family and friends on his own since I wanted to spend some 1 on 1 with my girlfriends for a couple days. Also he went to spend the day today with his bestfriend and his couple month old baby boy. Might I mention this baby boy is like one of the happiest babies I've seen in a long time... Always laughing, smiling and making those adorable cute baby funny noises. He's just overall all sorts of adorable and awesomeness. His parents (husbands bestfriend's wife) always post lots of pictures and videos of this abundness of cuteness all over Facebook.. Pinterest and all that fun stuff.. I've never met the kid yet but I know I'll fall in love with him instantly and I'm scared. I purposely told my husband and encouraged him to go see them while I was with my girlfriends. I don't know if he clued in but I just didn't feel ready to be around that yet. I mean you can see the love between the baby and his parents. The mom is glowing of pure joy and happiness and u can tell how happy and full her heart is with love for her child and husband and it breaks me. I'm so utterly happy for them they deserve all this happiness and for this joy... But for some reason I can't be around it. Every time I see pictures and videos it pulls at my heart and I feel numb.. I feel overcome with so many messed up feelings of envy, rage, sadness... It consumes me and then I get sooo incredibly mad at myself and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I've tried to explain it to my husband weeks ago about not being sure if I'm ready to be around them and being worried I wouldn't know how I'd feel and did not want to ruin my vacation by mopping around being depressed and feeling sorry for myself... He's usually really good at lifting me up when I need it and most of the time knows what to say to get me out of a funk but when it comes to his bestfriend my husband doesn't understand how I feel. He doesn't see it how I see it. Today he sent me a picture of him holding baby boy and omg I was nearly in tears while shopping with my bestfriend. I did not tell her anything about it as I didn't want to hear what she had to say... I know how I feel inside and I just needed to be alone with it. You have no idea how happy my husband looked... His face was literally glowing with love and happiness and he looked so natural holding a baby. Why can't I just be happy for other people?!!! Why do I always have to see things differently. When I see that picture I see what I can't give my husband... I can't give him that level of love and I ache. I can't explain how terribly scared I am that I will never see one of our own child in his arms with that look. Just as I type this im falling apart all over again. 

I'm a mess. I want to be happy for others and I thought I was finally at a hopeful place in my life and that I had learned to accept what I can't control and deal with reality that the world around me keeps moving forward in life while I'm stuck on pause. 

I hurt in levels I didn't know possible and i don't know how to deal with it and I have no one to share it with.. I love my friends but they don't understand it and things they say to try and make me feel better are always the exact thing NOT to say.. So I just know better now... Unless someone is walking in my shoes and living some of the things I live.. 

I've been listening to my family and friends talk about their kids and life as parents and how it's a lot of work and they wonder if they would have waited longer what their lives would be like now and just.. They have really opened up to me about how they feel about their choices to have kids and just a lot of stuff I am not ready to listen to and I guess I'm not strong enough to sit threw and hold my real feelings and thoughts back for... 

I'm way more broken then I thought and I come to realize being provinces away from friends and family starting and growing their families is what's best for me right now and I feel like the worst person even saying it out loud right now. I'm sure my friends would love to have me be a real true friend in their lives to live their new exciting adventures as parents and growing their family and all things being parents comes with and I realized it's ALOT easier for me to be a better friend from a distance. 

If only they all knew and understood what my journey threw infertility has been like for me, my marriage, my sanity, my everything. I am not the same person I was years ago. Infertility really does change a person and I'm sad to say it's not for the best. I really grew as a person and learned a lot about myself, my patience, my emotional state and more. I also learned that I don't know how to be a good friend anyone... Or at least the type of friend my friends need me to be to them. I also realized that they don't know how to be a good friend to me either. It's almost like shutting someone out is easier then trying to understand what their going threw. I have some friends who avoid me because they don't know what else to talk about then their kids and pregnancies with me so they just shut me out thinking that's what I want or something?! 

Infertility ruins people, friendships, marriages, families... 

I want to win my battle.. 

I want my journey to move forward... 

I want to be genuinely happy again... 

I wanna see that look on my husbands face everyday.... 

I want to stop hurting. 

I want to stop fooling myself in thinking I'm strong and hopeful when so many small things make me crumble and ache so deep. 

I want to stop feeling so alone in my feelings and thoughts. 

Did I mention my bestfriend is sleeping.. Snoring actually on a mattress on the floor beside me while I type this... I'm sleeping on a comfy couch.  I've cried as I typed this from start to finish.. Quietly in the dark.. It's 2:45am and I can't shut my brain off... Hoping writing this post helps me empty my head a bit... 

The Sad Infertile Mrs. White 

:(

Scale I hate you !

 

I took this picture today. Hubby and I were on our way to a Arts and Crafs Show.. We haven't been "out" and about together in a while so it was really nice to do something fun together (besides going to the gym!!), plus we're both really into arts so it was a perfect outing for both of us to enjoy. I decided to get prettied up, wore my cutest tightest skinny jeans and a "new but old" shirt that has been collecting dust in my closet for over a year because I couldn't brave wearing it till today!!! I put on some makeup, fixed up my hair and I felt great!!! I actually felt kinda sexy again.. It's been a long time since I felt like that.. At work I feel like a nun, I work with the disabled population and I cover up all the time and I always wear fun colourfull scarves around my neck covering myself even more (feels better around clients to be covered up). Soooo it felt really nice today to show a little more skin and I felt good in my skin finally!! 

Then when we got home.. We rushed to change into our gym gear and went over to workout. Once I got there for some reason I was just so not into it, I felt exhausted, not motivated, I was hungry and this time around my period is heavier then usual so I felt extra crappy (just feeling weird inside typa thing) Sooo I ended up dragging my butt threw most of my workout (lots of things I skipped because I felt really nauseated for example "mountain climbers", ''30 mins intense level cardio" and so on). I still feel like crap now that I'm home and even shittier because I did a half ass workout and not happy about that. 

For the first time in a long time I felt good today and then I get all emotional in the gym, yawned threw my whole workout and did a shitty job at it. 

Now I feel blah. Period I hate you! 

I was having such a good run at my first week of phase 3. Today was my day 2 of week 2 of phase 3 (lol). 

I think a good part of my blah-ness at the gym had to do with I weighed myself before starting my workout and well bad idea... It said I gained 2 pounds. This threw me off since I "felt good" in my tight clothes all day.. Kinda a downer.. Stupid scale is so messed up though because it's on carpet and never gives us an accurate reading. When I was done my workout it told me I had lost a pound since I had first started my workout.. Soo not accurate considering I drank 2 bottles of water and my muscles were swollen from working out. 

Needless to say next time I feel good I'm gonna say "f*ck you scale" and not bother with it. 

Hubby always tells me I should go with how clothes fit me and not the scale since I'm putting on so much muscles so it's normal I guess for it to not drop fast?!  Regardless I wish it did :( what I would do to see 160! It's so ridiculous that 160 sounds so good to me right now when ideally I should be closer to 125 for my hight. :( I hate numbers... They make me so depressed!! 

The Infertile Mrs.White

PCOS sucks!!

Having PCOS sucks...

My period has always been all over the place and shows up when it wants.. skips months then shows up out of the blue. Sometimes it's really heavy others it's barely there. It's always a guessing game and I can never time it's arrival nor do I 'sense' it's on it's way like most of the average women do by getting sore breast or by mild cramping indicating it's about to show up.

But...

I have been taking progesterone pills almost every month for over 3 years now to try and help regulate my cycle by giving myself a period and also to help with my pcos symptoms (so they say.. personally I don't find it helps the symptoms one bit!). For those curious, I take 1 pill a day at 10mg for 10 days. My gynecologist at the time suggested to me to take it every 1st of the month so that it would be easier to remember what day I was on to take the pills and it would be easier to remember this way in general. About a year ago I saw a new gynecologist out here in Alberta and he looked puzzled and even surprised that I was giving myself a period on purpose monthly. He told me that most women would love to be in my position and have few period, they would save money, pain (from cramping and all that jazz) and would be able to plan their lives better and not around a period. His reaction totally shocked me right back, I told him my reasoning was that I was trying to condition my body to hopefully fix itself (haha, naive I know) but like I was hoping it would just get used to the routine and that I could take progesterone every 2-3 months and that in between it would show up on time and on it's own. The gyno explained to me that I really didn't need to have a period every month, that periods are about 'shedding your layer' and that as long as I got a period every couple months I would be fine. Personally I just kept taking the pills because I want to be able to control at least that about my body and also that way I was able to track my non medicated cycles on my own and have less of a guessing game.

Well.... since this month is my month off anything fertility, period, pcos wise I figured hell with it, why give myself one if I don't have to right.. It's not like I need this cycle for anything... Really I don't.. if IUI doesn't work with perfect follicles and perfect sperm then why would doing it on our own work when I know my follicles grow into cyst and NOT eggs.. Anyways.. With the progesterone I usually get my period between the 12th and 15th.. so about 2-5 days after the 10th progesterone pill. Although... there has been a couple months where it showed up between the 18th-20th.

Bottom line is.. I took nothing this month and to my surprise I just got my period today (25th). Light but still very much there. I'm not sure what it means but I guess it's good? Last month (September) I did not take progesterone either because I had done my IUI August 31st and I got my period really heavy on September 5th I believe so there was no need for it.

The Infertile Mrs.White

Zombie Babies!!!.. eeek!

Halloween Countdown 6 Days!!! 

I was in a Halloween Costume Store the other day....

And there were ZOMBIE BABIES!!!!!!!

Hope you don't get nightmares ;) 

Life Update

I know I haven't posted in a while.. it was all part of my time off the blog and everything infertility that I could avoid to rejuvenate myself before going into our ''New Game Plan''. That's for another post though haha so check back for my follow up appointment update.

I've been actively working out and doing the Jamie Eason 12 week challenge. I am officially a day away from week 2 of Phase 3!!! I gave it my all, I changed my eating habits, I loaded up on vitamins and minerals (although I've always been pretty good at taking those) and kept myself very busy for the past month taking on extra shifts at work. I'm getting pretty used to this new lifestyle and routine my husband and I have going on. I have to admit at first it was really really hard but the harder I worked out at the gym and the more I made conscious daily healthy food decisions everything seemed to fall into place with less effort. I'm actually at the point where I enjoy our routine and at the end of the day I feel good about what  I've accomplished witch is nice for a change.

I started this 12 week challenge weighing in at my highest EVER @ 204 (eeek!)
This week, at week 9, I weight in at 188!!

16 pounds in 9 weeks.. not too bad. Definitely wish it was more but I still have 3 long hard weeks of training to go and I'm determine to loose the most during these 3 weeks. Phase 1 is a little slower paced, introducing your body to weights and light cardio, Phase 2 introduces you to challenge your body and lift really heavy weights and you train hard.. This phase makes your body ache daily and I really enjoyed it all.. I love lifting heavy weights, for some reason it comes easier to me and I love to push my limits and from week to week see how much stronger I got and I love pushing my max every week to where I'm lifting weights I never thought I could. Then there is Phase 3, the phase I am in now.. this one is HARD!! Phase 3 is all about supersets and active rest, lower weights with many reps. The workouts are designed for you to sweat from start to finish and challenges your heart rate and your endurance pushing you to your max cardio wise. Then at the end of each workout you have 30 minutes of intense cardio to do.. This is where I think in the next 3 weeks I will be burning the most weight. In phase 1, my body was just warming up and getting used to moving and pushing itself again. Phase 2 was all about waking up those muscles you forgot you had and pushing them to their max by lifting really heavy for lower reps. Now phase 3.. I can say I never had a workout that pushed me to my limits before.. Man oh man.. this phase is great in so many levels because I feel amazing after every workout because I'm covered in sweat from head to toe. I'm alot less sore daily this time around as in Phase 3 it's lower weights more reps but I am definitely challenged in keeping my cardio endurance up because each sets are "supersets and even triplesets" and you feel like you have no time to catch your breath in between workouts witch is the point haha.

This week definitely challenged me thought. Phase 3 takes me alot longer to go threw the workouts and there seems to be like double the amounts of sets to do! I am so hard on myself and try and push myself to my max and seem to get angry with myself when I have "off days" where I don't feel as strong. I am also really hard on myself every time I see the scale. (stupid thing!) Husband keeps telling me to ignore the scale because he says he sees a huge difference in my body already. He says my posture changed, the way my clothes fit changed and that he can really see my muscles toning up and says that I've definetly been putting on ALOT of muscle tone because I'm alot stronger and he can see definition in my legs and arms. (just need to get my stomach to shrink!!)

Overall, I feel ALOT better then I did 9 weeks ago and I'm definitely heading into the right direction. I just need to keep at it, keep pushing threw the long workouts, crush my daily cardio, ignore the scale, drink alot of water and be happy.

I do have to work on keeping work at work and not bringing my stressful day home with me. I've been a stress ball this week because alot has been going on and I just feel like I have no proper time to attack each thing that needs attention and to get done so I end up going to bed waaaay too late, wake up early with barely any sleep and my days drag on. I seem to be in a viscous circle this week of sleeping late, no matter what I tell myself when I wake up all groggy and sleepy and swear to go to bed early that night I still end up going to bed way past midnight. For example fell asleep last night at 4am and woke up at 8am and right now it is past 12:30 am and I still got a few things to do before bed. My brain is just on 'go go go' mode and I feel like I'm not getting all the things I want to get done.. done.

Couple things going on lately

1.  Flying home for a visit in 16 days and have alot to deal with before we go (haven't been home in a year and 8 months!)
- Saving a spot for our big dog at a doggy day care and finding the funds to pay for it!
- Getting a pet carrier bag for the little dog because shes coming on the plane with us.. this was very challenging because all the 3 pet stores we did, did not have the size required for our plane. (she needs to fit under the seats.)
- Finally bought one online and hoped it would do. It just arrived in the mail today and it's perfect! Little dog really likes it haha.. she's awesome.

2. I signed up to be a Stampin' Up Demonstrator!
- I've been wanting to be one for ages and finally worked up the courage to pursue it.
- Had to sign up witch took a little bit to do.
- Had to create my Stampin' Up webpage
- Had to place my first order, this was so exciting and exausting at the same time haha.. I've wanted so many of their items and got so excited and carried away, I checked their online catalogue like 10 times, made 3 different list of 'wish list' 'need list' 'want list'.. checked them all 3 times no joke, then finally placed my first order. (only on the 1st order you get 30% off so I wanted to make it good and worth it! Now I sit and wait till it arrives and I'm just too excited!!!!
- Find myself loosing myself on google searching for my next project to loose myself in.
- I find myself over thinking ways of how I can sell the product I love so much and how I can make my Art Blog even better and how I can vamp up my Facebook Art Fan Page so that even more people check it out.
- My brain is on overload when it comes to anything art related and I love it!! This has 100% helped me go threw the past month or so accepting things I cannot change and dive into things I love and can change! :)

3. Our new Game Plan fertility wise!!! (will be in December..)
- That's a whole other post on it's own so stay tuned for it...
- All I gotta say is that lately it's been on my mind alot and there is alot of research I want to make before we dive into it but I promised myself I wouldn't look at any of it for a couple more weeks.
- New game plan conscist of new, stronger meds and ALOT more of them! This aspect makes me so nervous you have no idea.. so I've been trying to keep away from thinking about it too much yet... I told myself after our follow up appointmnet that right now there is nothign I can change about it and that there is no point to stress about it till we get closer to the time.
- I haven't made a post yet about that appointment because I didn't let all the info sink in because I did not want to stress over it yet and knew there was no point to consume myself in it like I did every other time. The post is coming soon thought!

My red exhausted face at the gym right before 30 mins of cardio.. 

This is me not too impressed, tired, cranky and rather be anywhere but the gym...

But I managed to find something on tv and kicked ass at my cardio. 

The Infertile Mrs.White

My dog is awesome

Squats like a Champ!

That's right ladies... this is ME squatting like a Champ !!

I squatted for 12 reps no problem. (45lbs plate on each side)

Been working hard and it's been paying off :) 

I feel Great!

The Infertile Mrs.White

Stiff Legged Dead Lift

Stiff legged Dead Lift 

3 sets of 12 reps. 

35 lbs on each side

This is me couple weeks ago during the Phase 2 of my training. 

I can lift alot heavier now,. but thought this video was still pretty cool :)

A little sample of what I've been up to lately.. 

Bench Press

I'm doing not too bad :) My bench press still has a ways to go but I mean this is better then the average woman so I'm very happy with myself :) Also at this point I still had about 2.5 weeks of training in Phase 2 so I had room to keep improving :) The weight on the bar was a 25 lbs plate on each side plus the weight of the bar. 

Ps. That's the love of my life spotting me .. 

He's what keeps me fueled and going.

Sorry about the crappy video quality.. it was off of a friends phone to mine then to here so the quality is crappy. Also my lift was kinda crappy because this was towards the end of my workout and I was tired.. Just wanted to post something to keep you all posted and show proof that I'm indeed really doing all this.!

The Infertile Mrs.White

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!! (Canadian). 

I'm thankful for so much this year!! Like for my amazing husband, supportive family and friends, a roof over our heads, food on the table, a steady job and 2 amazing loving dogs. Our adventure out here in Alberta has been a good one so far and I'm so thankful for that. Hoping by next year I have something else to be thankful for ;) ..maybe like a little baby growing inside me.. One can only dream. :)

This year we did not spend today with family nor friends (since they all live a couple provinces away) but we spent it together as a married couple and enjoyed the day loving on each other and relaxing. Back to reality (work) tomorrow. Why do days off seem to go by so fast!!! :p 

Hope you all had a good long weekend! (Even though I worked Saturday and Sunday boo). 

Xoxoxo 

The Infertile Mrs White 

Quick 1st week of October Update..

I've been crazy busy lately.. with the mix of my work hours (alternating every week 10-6pm and 11-7pm), new gym routine and prepping meals for my lunches and always cooking fresh meals for supper.. taking care of my 2 dogs and spending a little cuddle time with the hubby before bed i'm left with NO time to blog! This new routine is killing me but I'm starting to slowly get the hang of it.

This new gym and "Clean Eating" routine is hard work, I'm not gonna lie.. it takes up all the little free time I had before where I got to do my own thing and just veg on the couch after work or get things done around the house.. or even nap! If I'm not at the gym after work, I'm prepping meals for my lunch and cooking supper.. or doing dishes because when your always cooking fresh meals at home and all those Tupperware for lunches, dishes start to pile up so fast and we sadly do not have a dishwasher! (there is no hookup for one and we are renting so can't really install one).

I'm a huge crafty person and always find myself attracted to my dining room table where all my craft stuff is and lately I've had like NO time to create anything.. crafting is my escape from my work day.. I work with independent disabled clients who live on their own but need help to continue to function independently on their own... this means I help them with groceries, cooking, cleaning, medical appointments, any errands they need to do, activities in the community, laundry, managing a budget... you name it, I do it. So.. after work I really need to detach myself from my work and dive into something different like walking my dogs or doing crafts or blogging.. These things make me happy and keep my mind off work. Work can be exhausting physically, emotionally and is very draining since I have to drive around literally all day from client to client and then drive them to wherever they need to go. At the end of my day my brain is drained from always being very alert to every detail and with my clients they always relay on us to remember everything like their appointments, their budget anything and everything. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is get into my gym clothes and go workout for an hour and a half to then come home and cook supper and make a lunch. Hubby has been amazing though, he has cooked supper for me all this week and for my lunches all I had to prep was my healthy snacks (veggies and salads).

Today marks day 5 of my new "Eat Clean" lifestyle and Week 7 of training at the gym. I'm doing the Jamie Eason 12 week challenge... This 12 weeks is broken down into 3 parts.. I've done this training before but gave up when I finished part 2 because I had gotten really really sick and couldn't get back into it after. I have 2 days left of my part 2 then I start part 3. I'm looking really forward to it as it's even more challenging and really pushes you to your max, plus it's gonna be nice to mix up my workouts again. I will try and add the link to her website (off of bodybuilding.com) in case any of you are curious or interested in it.

And guess what..

I feel GREAT!!!

I haven't weighed myself in a bit because the scale at the gym ALWAYS gives me different numbers and I mean like 3-4 lbs difference within the same day typa thing.. plus it's on carpet so really not accurate. Alsoo.. I've been putting on alot of muscle since I workout with heavy weights (and do cardio) so I know alot of my weight will be in muscles so I will judge by the way my clothes fit instead of by the scale.. this way I won't get so discouraged.

I've had horrible migraines all week (sugar withdrawal), I've been grumpy and felt miserable because there is so much stuff I've wanted to get done in the past week and a half and haven't had any time to do them because I'm either too busy or need to lay on the couch with an ice pack nursing my migraine :( I'm very thankful for my husband though, he's been incredibly supportive and gives me my space when he sees I need it and showers me with love when I feel like I want to give up. Seriously, without him I don't know if I would be able to pull threw it. You have no idea how many temptations there are around me daily to make unhealthy choices.. My clients are constantly eating McDonald's in front of me, chocolate bars (especially now that Halloween is around the corner).. pop, coffee, pizza, anything pasta/bread related.. Sooo hard to pull threw a day when your craving carbs and milk! But guess what.. So far I'm 5 days in and I have no intention on not following threw till I see a huge difference in my endurance, weight, way my clothes fit and so on.

I've been taking pictures of my meals daily so I can be accountable for what I eat and so I can also feel guilty if I eat larger portions then I should. I find this really helps me stay in check. I'll try and make another post at some points with some pictures and ideas..

For now this is goodnight! I'm exhausted and just did a killer leg workout!!! I squatted 155lbs... that's right lady's! Video will shortly follow :) as I'm very proud! I also bench pressed 100lbs yesterday during my chest workout. My strength is definitively coming back quick.

I just took this picture tonight.. After squatting it "155lbs"!!

I will try and get a picture with me in it for proof :p Cause this is legit!! 

I can't wait to be able to post a before and after picture!!
Only like 4 more weeks and I should see a huge difference.


The Stronger Infertile Mrs.White

Reasons why this life style change is so important to me

Reasons why this life style change is so important to me

- I'm tired of being fat (over weight) 

- I'm tired of not feeling comfortable in my own skin.

- I'm tired of feeling like I need to hide behind baggy clothes.

- I'm tired of starting a diet and quitting it couple days in.

- I'm tired of not owning a single pair of jeans because I cant find a single pair that fits

- I'm tired of living off my tights and long shirts because pants don't fit me properly anymore.

- I'm tired of having to feel the need to wear a shaper top under my loose tops

- I'm tired of not feeling sexy

- I'm tired of my face breaking out into acne when my hormones are all messed up

- I'm tired of being sad all the time.

- I'm tired of not feeling like myself

- I'm tired of being scared to be a overweight pregnant lady

- I'm tired of having to buy X-large clothes when I used to fit comfortably in a Medium!

- I'm tired of my back hurting because I tend to huntch forward because breast are heavy.

- I'm tired of thinking that maybe my weight is a way bigger issue infertility wise then I think

- I'm tired of having high cholesterol, this scared she crap out of me daily.

- I'm tired of not reflecting the person I am inside to the person I am on the outside.

- I'm tired of not feeling like I can express myself, the real me because I'm always hiding.

- I'm tired of not being able to wake up in the morning and throw any piece of clothes on and feel good.

- I'm tired of feeling like my husband deserves a better wife (sexier, happier, healthier)

- I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

- I'm tired of being tired!

IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE & ONE THAT'S HERE TO STAY!!!

**** I re-read this post the next day and realized that I made myself sound like I was a hippo!!
I am not a huge unhealthy blob who only eats fast food!! I'm just a girl who is unhappy with her CURRENT weight size. I used to fit very comfortably in Medium size clothing.. lately I seem to only be able to fit into X-Large clothes (doesn't help that my breast have also grown alot, makes it even harder to find tops that fit!) and this is why I feel HUGE and really really not comfortable in my own body. I want to be the weight I was before because I remember how happy and confident I felt and I want that positive happy feeling back. For a girl with my health issues (Pcos, hypothyroidism and high cholesterol) loosing weight and keeping it off is essential. My GOAL is to no longer have high cholesterol and with the help of my Fertility Doc get my thyroid under control for once. My crappy thyroid plays a HUGE part in me gaining weight so easily and keeping it on and having A LOT of trouble loosing it. With my thyroid medication dosage increase I can already feel a huge different in my energy level. I just did blood work on Tuesday to check where my levels are at and they usually call me within a week to up my dosage so expecting a call sometime next week. It feels good to know I'm finally gaining control over it. (slowly but surely!).

Also I wanted to make it clear that I do eat 'healthy'.. I love my fruits and veggies and always pack them in my lunch, I make alot of homemade food, eat it for supper and leftovers for lunch. I always try and eat the healthier alternative but like any other person, I love my pasta, my bread and my chocolate! My problem is to be able to actually loose a significant amount of weight fast I need to cut it all out cold turkey. I've tried all types of diets and eating better but it's still never enough.. With my thyroid it feels close to impossible to just make healthier choices and loose weight.. I've been doing that for months and years and it's not enough.. So to see a difference within weeks and months I need to make a dramatic change. "Eat Clean" and that's huge because that means all my meals have to be made from scratch with fresh produce. No more quick spaghetti, pasta meals, homemade pizza or sandwiches.. Hello grilled chicken, quinoa salad and side of broccoli. Whenever I get my 2 week meal plan made up I'll try and post them on here in case anyone has suggestions to make things taste better or would like recipes for themselves to try out :) I'm hoping this works and sticks :).

The Infertile Mrs.White

September Update

Little update...

Time off of everything baby making related paid off. I was able to go threw my days easier and not feel like I had so much weight on my shoulders for things to go right and according to schedule.

I also feel a little more hormonal balanced.. The injections and stuff made me not myself. (as in I was extremely sensitive and really hard on myself.) The time off also felt good because my ovaries weren't feeling like they were on fire all the time and sex did not feel like a chore of painful. This month sex has been fun again.. we made love for hours and it felt great. I felt horny all month haha and usually I'm just not in the mood because I'm too sore or my hormones are all out of wack and takes more for me to get in the mood. Also the fact that I've been WAY less stressed has helped alot in being present in the moment and not always so tensed up. I've been sleeping better and not having nightmares all the time. Headaches have been alot fewer too.

Last month after the 2nd failed IUI I really started to come down on myself. I hated myself more then ever. I hated the fact that every time I try something fertility related I panic and take time off the gym in case it disturbs the whole process of growing my follicles properly.. (It's all in my head but I never want to take ANY chances when it comes to trying to do everything in my power to make it go right!). Then when I try and get my stride back in the gym it feels impossible and I feel so week from taking weeks off and I get discouraged so quickly and give up even faster. Then I get into a funk and find myself eating bad.. reaching for chocolate covered almonds, chips, fast food and so on. Worst part is after every "bad" meal I would eat I would get even more depressed and pissed off that I just eat what I eat and so I'd do it again. HUGE viscous circle I was stuck in for a while. I'm stuck in it, then I try and get out.. I feel good again.. the something comes up then I jump right back into that funk and start the whole cycle all over again. BAD!

I always knew what it would take to be happy again.

I knew I had to change my life around dramatically to be happy with myself (body and mind)

I needed to commit to the gym with no excuses.

I needed to start eating healthy and not just here and there, an everyday, every meal kind of deal.

I knew it would be hard, harder then I could imagine.

I knew I'd find myself crying threw it all 

and that I'd be sore daily from working out..

I knew i'd get real grumpy real fast and loose patience

and probably occasionally lash out at my husband for no reason at all.

I knew I'd need friends threw thing huge change

I knew I needed patience and confidence that "change" does not happen overnight

and that it's okay to mess up and start all over the next day.

I knew everything it took to be a better healthier me..

Only thing between happiness and myself is ME!

I know what it takes to be where I want to be..

I just don't feel strong enough to take the leap..

I'm the type that if I don't see results right away I tend to give up.

I tend to want to binge on bad food and find comfort in it after a hard day or a sad one.

I've been committed to going to the gym for over a month and a half now... 5 days a week.

I had been making healthier choices but they are still far far away from being "clean eating" 

It was still a good start for me.. gym and avoiding fast food.

Also I've been caffeine free for over 70 days now! That's huge for me.

I did have 2 coffee slips in there but I'm still really proud of that.

 THIS PAST MONTH...

I worked harder then ever at the gym, 

I worked on "trying" to accept things that I cannot control (infertility)

And work on things that I can (health- get lean & healthy) 

I've had great workouts all month and I've been crazy sore to show for it!

I even had a lady at the gym tell me she noticed a difference 'that I was toning up'.

Oddly enough I thrive on feeling sore because sore means I did something right and that feeling feels good.. It's even contagious. 

Now that I have the gym routine packed down.. I need to tackle 'clean eating'.

That's a HUGE hump for me.. it scared the shit out of me!

When I say clean eating I mean like cutting out ALL sugars, ALL dairy, ALL wheat. 

Wowsers eh! I know.. if I'm gonna 'eat healthy' I need to jump all in and just do it.

I've yet to 'eat clean'... this coming week I plan on researching success stories and meal plans and ideas for every meal of the day for 2 weeks and I would alternate meal plan every 2 weeks. Without a meal plan I would not be able to follow threw. I need a calendar with meals planned ahead and grocery list with very very specific items on them. 

I tend to fall off the wagon real fast and that's why this new healthier way of eating is scary. I'm used to quick access foods like toast, a bowl of cereal, frozen meals, spaghetti, pasta anything, sandwiches.. you name it. I like quick and easy meals... having to prep my meals will be a whole new challenge for me with my busy work and gym schedule. That's when hubby is gonna have to step up and do this with me and help me out as much as he can.

Tonight thought... I feel like I have hit a plateau.

The scale is my new enemy, no joke!!! 

My weight fluctuates so much it's ridiculous, I feel like a yo-yo..

and I'm so sick of it! My weight has yo-yo'ed my whole life.

I really wish I could blame it on the scale or my thyroid!!!

Also.. The pregnancy announcements season has officially begun again.. 

Leaves are changing colours on the trees and babies are growing in bellies.. 

Just not in mine.

The saying above applies itself to many different aspects in my life.

- Little by little my muscles are getting stronger & I'm gaining A LOT of endurance.

- Little by little I'm starting to feel like maybe I can do this.. with A LOT of patience and dedication!

- Little by little the gym doesn't seem so much like a chore but more like therapy... 'A LOT'

- Little by little I started walking taller.. with A LOT of consistently reminding myself that Change takes time & that time I have.

- Little by little I started reaching for healthier meals for every meal and take A LOT of vitamins and minerals and this makes me feel A LOT healthier!

- Little by little this whole process doesn't seem so un-achievable. 

- Little by little I cry less at night and started sleeping A LOT better.

The Infertile Mrs.White

Possible Pregnancy book ideas

These are 3 books I saw at Chapters and debating witch one would be the best one to buy. No time like the present to read it when I have some free time here and there instead of trying to cram read it when I do one day get pregnant.. I can even make some notes to prepare myself haha.. Their not cheap books either so really wanna choose the best one. I really like how they all have descriptive pictures.. I love books with pictures haha.  The picture at the top left corner I found on pinterest and thought it was SOO cute. I hope one day to have it in a nice white frame in the baby's room. 

I totally want this shirt!!!!! Found this on Pinterest too. 

I bet my little one will be a soccer player in my belly haha. 

--- One Day!!! ---

The Dreaming Infertile Mrs.White

Super Cute!

I love this picture!

Father like baby (son-daughter)

Can't wait to see my husband with our baby "one day"!!

The Infertile Mrs.White

New hello

Came across this on Facebook the other day and thought this is very true... 

For me it's in the context that right now I'm focusing on training hard at the gym, letting go of my bad food habits (eating my emotions) and learning to eat smaller more controlled portions.. Also eating every 2 hours or so to keep my metabolism going. This is extremely important with my crappy thyroid. 

I am working on being brave enough to say goodbye to bad habits and finding comfort in food and hoping to be rewarded with a new hello "a new me" (Slimmer, healthier, happier me!!) 

The Infertile Mrs.White 

Thank You Card :)

Thank You Cards I made for my uncle to thank him for his donation to our IVF fund.

Thought I'd share this card because I'm very proud of it's outcome :)

The Infertile Mrs.White

Reflection on my journey so far..

Since last weekend I have been trying to work on a positive outlook on my life. I tried to mentally do a list of the pro's and con's in my life and try and find ways to make the con's turn into pro's and what I can do to better myself, my health, my emotional state, my friendship with friends back home and my friendship with my family. I know my last couple posts have been a little bit of a downer but that's really the reality of infertility and what this blog is all about. This journey has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride I can't seem to get off of. Oh I cannot wait for that day when I get to walk off the ride standing proud with something to show in my arms for this journey I have to endure. Till then, I will ride all the ups and downs and turns this roller coaster has to offer. I will cry, laugh, scream, smile, curl up in a ball, keep hope, loose hope, loose friendships, gain new friendships, learn about myself, learn about others, test friendships and my marriage. This ride does not seem to have an end in sight so I better sit tight, smile a little and enjoy the ride.

 

I want to thank those who have reached out to me, it feels great to know people are actually out there reading my story, following my journey and rooting for my team! I can't explain what it means to me. Ever since I stared this blog I felt like I had this huge weight lifted off my shoulders, like having my story out there for strangers to read made my struggling journey more real and I suddenly felt like I had a voice, like my journey wasn't lived alone and that I could reach out to the infertility community and be understood for once! Being understood by fellow infertile women was exactly what I needed to keep going, to keep pushing threw the hard times and start seeing this whole ride in a new light. 

Your comments, concerns, questions and support mean the world to me, so PLEASE don't hesitate to communicate with me threw my post, threw my google account or even threw email. I'm looking forward to meeting new friends, making new friendships and growing as an individual threw all of this. You can contact me anytime at nadine.white.me@gmail.com I don't judge and all comments are welcomed! 

Thanks!

The Infertile Mrs.White 

xoxo