3 years...

Infertility has changed me. It changes all women regardless of their age, time length of ttc and no matter how many friends they have, how supportive their family is and how great their husbands are, Infertility changes all of us and there is no escaping it.  

I used to be so naive... 3 years ago when I was reading other fellow infertile's blogs, I remember thinking "Why are they so sad..", "How can they loose hope?", "Why can't they be genuinely happy for others" .. After 2 cycles on clomid I became that bitter, angry person I always read about and finally understood where they came from and truly how hard it can be to be around happy mothers, happy pregnant glowing friends and be genuinely happy for them. It hurts.. daily, not a day goes by that my infertility isn't lurking around the corner.. I can be happy one minute and want to crawl in a dark cave and cry the next. My emotions are always all over the place and half the time I don't recognize myself. It's been 3 years now and it's sad to say but this person has become me. I get so mad at myself for getting worked up about pregnant people around me that I don't even know let alone the ones I do know! I have so much anger inside, so many questions and I'm so sick of being this person. I don't know how to react when friends announce to me their pregnant.. I freeze, I become speechless and tears start running down my face and I can never control it.. This seems to be a re-occurring thing.. no matter if I know the people or not... even watching movies when the girl announces her pregnancy in a cute special way I'm done for the night... and I absolutely hate this!!!! I've always been that really good nice caring friend.. the one my friends could always rely on to be there, to say the right things and to support no matter what the issue was. The past 2.5 years I've been a bad friend.. I've been speechless, I've cried way too much and I've hid from good friends to protect myself.. as much as they say they understand what I must be going threw or feeling they really don't. I love them for trying, I love them for whatever support they were able to give me.. I'm just broken and I don't think this feeling will ever go away.. I've tried so hard to be a better infertile.. to be a positive one, to be able to still slap on a smile for my friends and no matter what be there and support them... but I can't.

I've had a post sitting in my draft for over a week now and I can't get myself to post it... I keep re-reading it and re-working it.. There has been so many pregnancy announcements in the past 2 weeks.. I hurt alot and really deep lately.. it's December.. everyone is celebrating with their families, their loved ones and creating Christmas traditions with their own new little families... something I can only dream of.. I have so many plans for my future family and when I see cute and fun new traditions my close friends have created with their young ones I get so envious, jealous, happy & sad all at once.. I always wanted to be the one with a big family way before my friends.. growing up my friends and family used to always tease me saying how they would always want to go to me when they start their families because they knew how much I was obsessed with the idea of having a big family and start corny traditions with them. Now seeing everyone else go threw all that and I'm still stuck left behind it kills beyond anything.. Especially when I see friends who never wanted kids or weren't ready to be parents and accidentally got pregnant I keep asking myself questions.. "why not me?". Why am I being tested like this.. Why has the past 3 years not been my time and why have I had to watch everyone else get what I've wanted since I was 6 years old.  

The Infertile Mrs.White