Ranting

I hate wanting to walk down a different aisle in a store when I see a glowing pregnant woman, I hate that my heart aches every time I see a mom in her late 20's with her 3 kids and 1 on the way.. because that's what I always wanted . I used to always be the good friend, a person all my friends could rely on and the 'go to' person. I always had useful advice, tips, suggestions.. I was always able to spark up a good discussion about why they should or shouldn't do something and helping them find the pro's and con's so that they could come up with their own answer/solution to their problem. Now I feel like a useless friend. I've been hiding out in my own little world for months now. Most of my close friends have babies.. children and working on their 2nd. When I was more hopeful about my infertility and a little naive too I guess.. (used to always tell myself it will happen next month.. next month..) I seemed to be able to go threw life so much easier. I used to try and keep more in touch with those friends and always want updates about their life as mom's, always wanted to know what their kids were up to and what funny things the kids were up to and I really did love hearing all the stories, looking at all the 10000 pictures people take of their families and be a good friend and be part of their joy and happiness as new mothers.. Lately (past couple months) it's like I want no part in it.. I ALWAYS think about them and wonder what their up to and I see their pictures and funny videos on facebook but it always tugs at my heart.. I no longer see it as awww cute so happy for my friends.. I see it as 'I'm a failure' because I should be living that life too... The only thing that goes threw my head is 'why not me.. why put me threw this'. I used to be so hopeful and now I seem to be stuck. I know 1 failed IUI is not the end of the world.. don't get me wrong.. but in my world it is a big deal. I have to go threw alot just to be able to go threw a iui cycle. The clinic is so far from my house that it makes it all so much more complicated. It's not 'just' a iui cycle.. it's a cycle that turns my life upside down for a month and a half to only see a negative sign at the end. If it was less than an hour away from my house I think I would feel different about it all.. but for my situation now, it is a big deal.

The Infertile Mrs.White