Reflection on my journey so far..

Since last weekend I have been trying to work on a positive outlook on my life. I tried to mentally do a list of the pro's and con's in my life and try and find ways to make the con's turn into pro's and what I can do to better myself, my health, my emotional state, my friendship with friends back home and my friendship with my family. I know my last couple posts have been a little bit of a downer but that's really the reality of infertility and what this blog is all about. This journey has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride I can't seem to get off of. Oh I cannot wait for that day when I get to walk off the ride standing proud with something to show in my arms for this journey I have to endure. Till then, I will ride all the ups and downs and turns this roller coaster has to offer. I will cry, laugh, scream, smile, curl up in a ball, keep hope, loose hope, loose friendships, gain new friendships, learn about myself, learn about others, test friendships and my marriage. This ride does not seem to have an end in sight so I better sit tight, smile a little and enjoy the ride.

 

I want to thank those who have reached out to me, it feels great to know people are actually out there reading my story, following my journey and rooting for my team! I can't explain what it means to me. Ever since I stared this blog I felt like I had this huge weight lifted off my shoulders, like having my story out there for strangers to read made my struggling journey more real and I suddenly felt like I had a voice, like my journey wasn't lived alone and that I could reach out to the infertility community and be understood for once! Being understood by fellow infertile women was exactly what I needed to keep going, to keep pushing threw the hard times and start seeing this whole ride in a new light. 

Your comments, concerns, questions and support mean the world to me, so PLEASE don't hesitate to communicate with me threw my post, threw my google account or even threw email. I'm looking forward to meeting new friends, making new friendships and growing as an individual threw all of this. You can contact me anytime at nadine.white.me@gmail.com I don't judge and all comments are welcomed! 

Thanks!

The Infertile Mrs.White 

xoxo  

Sperm Count results for IUI#2

Here were the results from my husbands sperm they used on IUI#2. We were VERY happy with the results.. check them out, they were pretty great if I say so myself. Even better results then the first IUI!

Check out those awesome numbers!!! I really don't understand how this IUI did not work for us!

When we had our follow up appointment after failed IUI#1 we had mentioned our interest in IVF as we were not ready to have to do the drive for 6 IUI's and that our health insurance would stop covering us once we reached our cap. Doctor had mentioned he thought we might need "assisted hatching" (an extra $1500) and that his theory is that my eggs are hard to penetrate. (something along those lines). He also said that if we go threw the whole IVF trouble that we might as well pay for the assisted hatching to give us a higher fighting chance. Again thought, this was only his theory.. after only ONE failed IUI.

We have our failed IUI#2 follow up October 8th via "Tele-Health" (over the computer a little like Skype, I am to go to the hospital in my town and they set up a tele-conference style meeting for me and my Dr who will be in his Edmonton office 2 hours away). This follow up appointment is exactly 62 days from when the nurse said she would set up an appointment for me for "as soon as possible". I would have really loved being able to express myself and our concerns about my failed cycle only a short amount of time after but reality is.. this whole entire process has been a waiting game and this appointment is actually pretty "soon" for how busy the clinic is. I guess it gives us even more time to prepare our questions and concerns wanting to go into IVF without really knowing where we go wrong. I mean I produced 3 pretty eggs and hubby produced some pretty great fast & strong swimmers.. I really don't know what kind of information or answers they can give us though, they did not examine me when I was spotting nor that day where I was spotting vivid red. All they have is my blood work from 7 days post IUI so hoping that's enough to give me what I want and need to hear. We need to feel alot more confident going into IVF knowing that my eggs aren't the problem since we know his sperm definitely isn't. The nurse even congratulated him on his sperm collect, wished us luck and said he had really impressive numbers. So the problem must be my eggs?? My liner?? During all the follow up ultrasounds and blood work I did to prep for the IUI my results were all positive and encouraging. My lining was exactly where they wanted it, my follicles had grown to the size they wanted and my estradiol levels were where the Dr's wanted them. The only problem I had was that my thyroid level was still very low and they upped my Thyroid medication 2 times since I started IUI#2. I am to do more blood work September 24th to check where my levels are and I'm pretty positive they will up my medication again till it's where they want it. I know it's low I can feel it.. so looking forward to getting back on track with that (for the first time in my life). Anyways, enough about my ramblings.. check it out! The picture below is a close up so it's easier to read the information.

Thought I'd add this sheet to show what the entire information sheet looked like :) 

Pretty impressive eh. Go hubby go! heehee!! 

The Infertile Mrs.White

Sperm Count Results for IUI#1

I finally came around to posting this! I blurred out the personal information so don't mind the bodges on the pictures. 

These are the results from my husbands sperm they took and analysed and then used for IUI#1.

Here is a close up of the sheet below.

 

The Infertile Mrs.White

Infertility

Where did my smile go?

I can't seem to shake off my funk. My sadness seems so much deeper then I thought. All day long at work I put on a fake smile and go on with my day.. the minute I go into my car in between clients and on my ride home all I want to do is sit there alone and sob. I've got so much pent up emotions and I don't know how to let them out, I don't know who to talk to about them, I don't know if I'm ready to face how I feel.. Sometimes (most of the time) I rather keep it all in and not talk to friends about how I'm feeling cause I'm scared they will say something I don't want to hear or that I'm not ready to hear.. I know they mean well and if I was in a better state of mind all the support and effort they put into cheering me up would work but I feel like lately I'm beyond being repaired with a band-aid. My heart aches all day every day. Absolutely everything makes me want to cry and it seems that pregnant women, lady's walking holding their children's hands, fathers with their sons, grandparents talking about their grandchildren with sparkles in their eyes.. I see it all, I examine them, I want to be them, I envy the world around me and seem to sink deeper and deeper.

Every morning I wake up and try to convince myself that "Today" will be a new day, that Today I will go threw my day and not feel this sadness on my heart. I miss being able to go threw my day smiling and feeling hopeful that soon being a mom will be my world, my universe.

I hate how money is the root of evil in my life. If we had money I would be prepping for my IVF cycle right now. If we had money my husband would feel differently about this whole infertility and treatment process. All he sees is bills bills and dept! We can't afford to put ourselves in more dept, we just moved out here over a year ago and we had to buy EVERYTHING new (couch, tv stand, bed frame, backboard & mattress, 2 dressers, 2 night stands, dining room table, a washer & dryer & 2 bookshelves.. list goes on). Our line of credit is almost maxed out. Everyone keeps telling us "Why don't you just take out another loan" this frustrates me, like I haven't thought about this before & also like it's that easy!!! Banks don't just give out line of credits like water. People don't realize the cost that doing a IVF cycle in tales. It's not just the straight up cost of IVF procedure, medication, assisted hatching and freezing the backup eggs that hurt the wallet, it's all the mileage we have to put on our cars, the tanks of gas to get us there and back, the parking at the hospital, the days off work we have to take... Then "IF" the cycle works, I'd have VERY high chances of having twins or triplets.. so you can only imagine what the cost of raising them in the first year would be. We would need a line of credit just for that on it's own! So there is no way (for now anyways) that we plan on getting out another line of credit to pay for the IVF. We just can't, it's not smart to put ourselves in so much dept before even conceiving a child. Money is stressing both of us out and is bringing the evil side of us out. I'm so sick of it!

The Infertile Mrs.White

How I feel today

This is how I feel today. Empty and SAD.

I really thought the IUI cycle was going to work. We both got so emotionally and physically attached to this cycle. Watching my follicles grow at each follow up appointment was pretty neat and every appointment made us more and more hopeful. When we were told to trigger and that we had high chances of twins or triplets we were over the moon! I finally had 3 beautiful follicles just waiting for a perfect little sperm to penetrate it! It was supposed to work.. hubby's sperm was close to perfect, my 3 follicles were pretty awesome and the IUI went really well.. I even took the next day off to rest emotionally and physically and just detach myself from everything and enjoyed the hole day watching movies and having my alone time with my dogs, it was perfect.. minus the cramping. Then only 5 days in after the IUI I started to spot.. from that moment on I knew this cycle was a bust for us. Spotting is never a good sign, especially when it's pink and especially if it's before 8 days post.

I'm going threw the stage where I feel hopeless.. Like I get so mad at myself and beat myself up over the fact that my body is so shitty! Oh yeah also today the fertility clinic called me and said they were faxing over a medication change to my pharmacy because they were going to up my thyroid medication some more and that I was to get my blood work done again in 5 weeks and they were most likely going to up it again in 5 weeks. My thyroid has always been very shitty and I have felt it that way my hole life.. I got it all.. all the hypothyroidism symptoms but for some reason no doctor wanted to prescribe me any medication to help me with it so I could feel normal for once. Only while doing IUI2 that my fertility Dr said he was going to up my dosage since I was around a 4.6 or something I forget the exact number now and that they wanted me below a 4 and that women trying to get pregnant it would be ideal to have it close to a 2 or under.!!! Freak out much and of course they only upped the dosage a tiny bit and now again a little bit. I was at 50mg for a year then they just upped me to 75mg a month ago and now today i'm at 100mg. I have a feeling I will need to go up to 250-300mg easily. 

Today I feel shitty. Like I just wanna cry for hours and hug a pillow and not even really know why I'm crying kinda day. 

The Infertile Mrs.White

I'm just not ready for time out.

I'm on a rollercoaster and I'm just not ready to get off yet.. even thought I'm dizzy.

Is it bad that I don't want to dwell on this failed IUI.. That I'm just ready to jump right into IUI#3, then IUI#4 and most likely IUI#5.

I am sooo incredibly sick of this stupid waiting game.. of trying and doing everything in my power to make each cycle the best chance possible.. I even stopped drinking coffee, I'm on day 36! (that's pretty huge for me). I want a baby (babies), I want a family and I want it NOW! I'm driving myself insane future planning everything and I want to be pregnant NOW because I really feel like RIGHT NOW is "MY MOMENT". This cycle would have meant my baby (babies) would have been born around the month of May (never calculated the exact date) .. I always wanted at least one of them born around May, it would have been perfect..

I'd be lying if I said that all this driving back and forth from Edmonton (4 hours there/back) each appointment and waking up at 4am to make it there by 7am, dishing out an insane amount of gas money to what seems like 'out the door'.. paying ridiculous amount of parking every single time we go to the clinic, paying for gonal-f (5 pens - 1 round), putting my body threw ovulation (not normal for me and is painful) and just the whole infertility crap is really starting to take a tole on our relationship.. my husbands and I. All this money we keep dishing out has so many other places to go (not better but different places.. often feels like it does have better places to go especially when we never get a result in the end..). Having to take time off work so we can both be at the appointments or at least as many as hubby can attend to.. he likes to be present and see the progress with my follicles growing and he's been an amazing patient partner in crime when it came to driving there and back, waiting for hours in the waiting room and running from one place to the other to get the blood work done and so on.. he's been nothing but amazing... only problem is..

Now I want to keep going.. (it's like my new drug).. like a train that doesn't stop at any stops.. I just want to keep going and going till I get a positive pregnancy test. Only problem is this isn't realistic for us.. AT ALL. We no longer have money to keep dishing out.. we can't keep taking days off work to run around to all the follow up appointments (especially since last cycle we had 1 baseline u/s, 5 follow up u/s and the iui itself.. not to mention 6 blood draws in 2 weeks and another one a week later post iui. My arm looked like I was a druggy! All red and bruised up. Also we can't keep using our work insurance to cover a good portion of the Gonal-F because they cap us at I believe $6000 LIFETIME.. not yearly! We have already used up a large amount of that and we had planned on using the rest to help us cover the cost of the IVF medication since there is so much more of it and that's really where we would need the coverage. That was why we weren't even going to do IUI#2 because we wanted to save up as much as possible of the insurance coverage so that IVF wouldn't be such a hugeee chunk.

This has been tiring on both of us. We aren't closer to understand why we keep failing.. Yes this is only our 2nd cycle of iui with injections but we did also do 5 rounds of clomid and tried every month in between thinking we might be like those stories you hear "a friend of a friend of a friend's" who got pregnant on her months of not trying.. so I chart and chart and chart...

I'm all into the raising money funk now that that's the only thing I can focus on that will bring us closer to having a baby someday.. but this has proven to be WAY harder then anticipated!

We're tired.. I'm tired... but I can't stop and I feel like we are going to argue alot on this topic. He wants to stop till IVF... but IVF won't be happening till we raise at least $8000 and as awesome as my friends and family are, everyone has their own issues and places for their money to go.. and well it already took us 2 months to only raise $1585.. witch $500 was from my mom and $500 from my dad (divorced) so I don't know how many more friends I can ask.. I also hate always bringing our fund up because I don't want people to feel obligated or forced.. I put it on facebook and everyone who cares about it knows about it.... 2 months now.. I don't know why I thought more of my friends and family would help our cause but like I said reality is people don't have money to dish out to us and or they don't know enough about IVF or our journey or don't have time to read into it or don't know how to approach it or react to someone going threw infertility so they stay away.. like the plague.. far away.

I'd be lying if I said this whole raising money process hasn't made me sad and realize alot of things. I sent out an e-mail to all my aunts and uncles and reached out to all my cousins on facebook via a 'event page'.. (I have a large family).. I barely got the response I was hoping for... even if they don't have the funds to help us out I expected at least a nice short email or message wishing us well or at least something. It hurt me alot to not hear anything from most of them.. I put myself out there, I took weeks to come up with a really well written letter explaining how we got to where we are, my journey in a nut shell but without leaving anything out and also explaining that we don't just want everyone's money but we appreciate all the support we can get like emotional support and just showing us they read my email or message and understand and acknowledge that I put myself out there and I feel so naked and so shy and even kinda regret opening up to them because it hurts not getting the feedback I expected. Family is supposed to help each other out aren't they? If they all donated $50 we would be that much closer to our goal. It's not like I'm asking to help pay for our honeymoon or something, this is to help us bring a baby into this world, to make our family even larger. I don't know.. Don't get me wrong, my extended family they are really great people and I think what the problem is they don't know how to react to someone going threw something like this and probably don't know what the correct or appropriate amount to donate to a family member would be so they prob just wait around to see what the others will do.. only thing is, my gofundme has been up and running for 2 months now (it reminds me every time I log in) ei today it says: $1,585 raised by 11 people in 2 months. Also, it says I have had 197 visits total in 2 months.. so somewhere people are curious about this and bothered to check out the webpage but left it at that.

I just wish there was more I could do.. I thought about a bunch of ideas to raise money like do a yard sale.. only thing is when we moved out here (alberta a little over a year ago) I GAVE AWAY for free all my things.. like no joke everything to friends and family.. so I have nothing to garage sale or sell on kijijji because it's all gone and I didn't have time before the move to actually try and sell things so I had to just give away as quick as I could. Then I thought about doing a bake sale.. I don't have the type of office job where I can sit there during lunch hour and sell baked goods.. and there are not enough people who would buy and I'd end up loosing money.. I thought about taking up a second job but with the job I have now it would be really really hard since I work 10-6 and 11-7 (rotational). Also we have 2 dogs that need to be walked, loved, feed and cuddled. I also really need my alone relaxing time because of the type of job I have (disability worker). Also I plan on jumping back in the GYM kicking ass routine (do the Jamie Eason 12 week training). So I'm quickly running out of ideas for raising money.. I'm a crafty girl and I have a craft blog but there is no point in me selling them because they would cost more for me to ship them out then I would be making and charging. Since I live away from friends and family it makes it even harder to sell locally to them.

If anyone has any good ideas on how I can make quick money PLEASE let me know!! Even if it's something related with doing online work.. I will consider all suggestions.

Thanks

The (once again) Anxious Infertile Mrs.White

How to lie nicely

I'm at the hair dressers right now and she small talked and the subject of "do you have kids" always seems to be the 'go to' topic. I said no nicely hoping she would go off that topic then she was like "oh just not yet eh" gah. I smiled nicely again and did a little fake laugh and said ya just not yet and gave her a look as in change topic. Wish I could have said "no kids because I can't" and watched for her reaction but for the sake of being in a salon full of other woman I just played along. Now my heart aches all over. I woke up this morning saying today I will be okay.. Gonna get my hair done, go home walk my dogs and give them lotsa attention then do some more crafts (did a full day of crafts from the minute I woke up till 1:30am! yesterday) I was trying to keep my mind busy busy and off baby making failed cycle and I wanted to make a stack of thank you cards to send out to people who donated money to our IVF fund. I put alot of love and care in each card because their support is huge for me so its my way of showing how much. Also my period is full on and really heavy. (This is gonna sound gross but its really really coagulated) I'm not used to heavy periods usually they are really really light and last max 5 days. And I usually only get a period because I make my body have one by using progesterone for 10 days so technically it's not even a "real period" because i don't ever ovulate on my own.  This time around I need to change my tampon every hour and that's alot for me. I also feel flushed today like out of it and I can def feel my iron is lower. Alsooo I have CRAMPS! I haven't had cramps in ages. I want to buy midol (made for period cramps) but I would never use a whole bottle so I might have to settle with ibuprofen..

The Infertile Mrs.White

10DP-IUI Defeated..

Feeling defeated once again...

 Infertility 1   -   Nadine&Brad 0

3 Perfect Follicles..

Huge amount of Perfect Sperm..

0 Babies.

All for nothing once again..

So much wasted..

Sleeplessness 

Heartache 

Energy

Stress

Hours

Money

Mileage

Gas

The Sad Infertile Mrs.White

7DP-IUI ... Roller coaster of spotting :(

At 10:25pm on the 5th when I went to the washroom and wiped I was spotting pink. I worried because this was too early for implantation yet way way too early for AF as I was only on D5 Post-IUI. I didn't stress too much went to bed and hoped maybe it was early implantation and that all was still a go. 

The next morning (6th) when I woke up at 8:15am to pee I noticed it was pink again when I wiped. This made me very anxious and a crappy way to start my day. I worked 12-8 that day and I really didn't feel like being at work because all day I kept trying to find excuses to go to the washroom and wipe to check my status. To my surprise at 2pm I wipe and its bright vivid RED.. Like period red. My heart sunk and I sat there staring at the tissue not knowing how to feel about what I saw. Kinda numb.. Can't convince myself now its implantation or try and blame it on positive reasons. This was just not a good sign at all :( I wiped 3 times and each wipe had as much as the first so I put on a tampon in case. At 3:30 I went and checked the status on my tampon and there was only a small red area. Really not enough to stress about. For precaution put on a new tampon. This is all such a roller coaster I swear gahh!!!! The red I saw I could have sworn AF was coming by night time. At 7 pm I checked again and nothing again just a small red area. 

I called the husband the minute i saw the bright red and got him to call the fertility clinic and leave the nurses line a message saying I'm bleeding on day 6 post-iui and wondering what I should do. They called me back an hour later, nurse did not have a reason for it nor a solution I asked if I should be taking progesterone and she never really answered my question. Dr who follows me (Dr.C) was out of the office and by the sounds of it for a couple days. She said she would leave my file on his desk with her recommendations.. Witch wasn't much at all she asked me to go ahead with my 7day post bloodwork (on the 7th) and that the results might help them to determine where or what went wrong. She also said she would ask the reception to book me in with my Dr for a "tele-health" appointment... It's kind of like "Skype" where I get to talk to my Dr threw a screen this way I don't have to drive up to Edmonton (4 hours there and back) for a sad depressing "what now" appointment. This put me at ease a bit but technically the cycle isn't over till AF is here full blow.  I'm not holding my breath on this one.. I'm being real realistic.. Hubby keeps trying to hold on to hope but that I lost when I saw red :( 

Today (7th) woke up went to washroom and nothing. This put me a bit at ease. Went to hospital got my blood work done and hoped to hear from the clinic today anything about my numbers but never got a call. At 1pm when I wiped i was spotting light pink again. Like WTF!!! I'm so sick of this. I have to brace myself every time I go to wipe bah. 

I really really wonder what's going on my with body and where it or I went wrong. 

At first I kept convincing myself maybe all 3 follicles I had ovulated and fertilized and that the spotting was from a triple implantation hahaha now that's wishful thinking!!!! 

Tomorrow is day 8 post and I'm going to test with a cheapy test in the am just because I'm curious. Alot of women see a faint line at 8 days... I think AF is just creeping around the corner but I can't help but wonder and want to test. I really don't expect to see anything but can't help it. 

Here's to hoping tomorrow is a pink-red free day! :( 

The Anxious Infertile Mrs.White 

1 week down, 1 to go.

One week till my TWO WEEKS WAIT is over!!

This has been killing me slowly ughh!!! 

Today I have to get my 1 week blood work done,

then again on the 16th if AF hasn't shown up yet.

(keeping fingers crossed)

Spotting.. !??

I went to the washroom at around 10:25pm tonight and when I whipped it was PINK like if I was spotting!! I'm freaking out. Isn't it too early for it to be implantation bleeding?? I'm only 5 days post IUI... I thought it was usually around day 8? It's WAY too early for it to be spotting from my period coming because that usually comes around the 14th of the month. 

Freaking Out!!!! :-( 

False Positive Tracker Chart

Tracking my false positive on this chart.

I like to know when the Ovidrel is out of my system

Altho this time around I only tested up to 4 days post

because it was very very faint and didn't feel the need to keep going.

At first it's always fun to see a line I would either wise never see.

I also bought the tests in a big bundle so I might as well go threw them!

The Infertile Mrs.White

5DP-IUI

Symptoms: I still have extremely sore & sensitive breast and nipples

My ovaries still ache (maybe because it's not used to ovulating?)

Today I am 5 Days Post IUI

This means I am at the "Trophectoderm" stage.

(if all went well that is..hoping!)

Day 6-7 : Late stage blastocyst (hatching!!)

**OMG** please let this be really going on inside me !!

Day 8-9 : Implantation of the blastocyst!!! 

I thought the two images below described the cycle very well. 

The first picture I like how it explains it by day as it happens.

The Infertile Mrs.White

2DP-IUI

Today I'm 2 days post IUI

And I have a couple weird symptoms. Not sure if their left over side effects from the trigger shot but I'm starting to think it might not be normal as I don't remember feeling like this last cycle.

Here are my symptoms:
- Since I woke up yesterday morning I've had really sore nipples
- This afternoon my breast started to hurt along with my nipples. Like they really hurt to the touch. (nipples hurting is not something normal for me, breast tenderness before AF is).
- About 30 mins after the IUI, I had really bad cramps and pains for the rest of the day.
- Ever since the IUI my ovaries have been really sore, in pain.
- My ovaries feel really warm to the touch.

Hopefully my ovaries start to feel better real soon because this is making me worried. I'm terrified to get an ectopic pregnancy... and I can't help the thought running threw my head every time I get weird shooting pains in them.

The Infertile Mrs.White

Bruise #2

I took this picture the day of the IUI... while I was laying down for 10 minutes after the procedure..

I hadn't realized it had changed colors and was still there.. this bruise is about.. 7 days old!! 

The Infertile Mrs.White