I'm just not ready for time out.

I'm on a rollercoaster and I'm just not ready to get off yet.. even thought I'm dizzy.

Is it bad that I don't want to dwell on this failed IUI.. That I'm just ready to jump right into IUI#3, then IUI#4 and most likely IUI#5.

I am sooo incredibly sick of this stupid waiting game.. of trying and doing everything in my power to make each cycle the best chance possible.. I even stopped drinking coffee, I'm on day 36! (that's pretty huge for me). I want a baby (babies), I want a family and I want it NOW! I'm driving myself insane future planning everything and I want to be pregnant NOW because I really feel like RIGHT NOW is "MY MOMENT". This cycle would have meant my baby (babies) would have been born around the month of May (never calculated the exact date) .. I always wanted at least one of them born around May, it would have been perfect..

I'd be lying if I said that all this driving back and forth from Edmonton (4 hours there/back) each appointment and waking up at 4am to make it there by 7am, dishing out an insane amount of gas money to what seems like 'out the door'.. paying ridiculous amount of parking every single time we go to the clinic, paying for gonal-f (5 pens - 1 round), putting my body threw ovulation (not normal for me and is painful) and just the whole infertility crap is really starting to take a tole on our relationship.. my husbands and I. All this money we keep dishing out has so many other places to go (not better but different places.. often feels like it does have better places to go especially when we never get a result in the end..). Having to take time off work so we can both be at the appointments or at least as many as hubby can attend to.. he likes to be present and see the progress with my follicles growing and he's been an amazing patient partner in crime when it came to driving there and back, waiting for hours in the waiting room and running from one place to the other to get the blood work done and so on.. he's been nothing but amazing... only problem is..

Now I want to keep going.. (it's like my new drug).. like a train that doesn't stop at any stops.. I just want to keep going and going till I get a positive pregnancy test. Only problem is this isn't realistic for us.. AT ALL. We no longer have money to keep dishing out.. we can't keep taking days off work to run around to all the follow up appointments (especially since last cycle we had 1 baseline u/s, 5 follow up u/s and the iui itself.. not to mention 6 blood draws in 2 weeks and another one a week later post iui. My arm looked like I was a druggy! All red and bruised up. Also we can't keep using our work insurance to cover a good portion of the Gonal-F because they cap us at I believe $6000 LIFETIME.. not yearly! We have already used up a large amount of that and we had planned on using the rest to help us cover the cost of the IVF medication since there is so much more of it and that's really where we would need the coverage. That was why we weren't even going to do IUI#2 because we wanted to save up as much as possible of the insurance coverage so that IVF wouldn't be such a hugeee chunk.

This has been tiring on both of us. We aren't closer to understand why we keep failing.. Yes this is only our 2nd cycle of iui with injections but we did also do 5 rounds of clomid and tried every month in between thinking we might be like those stories you hear "a friend of a friend of a friend's" who got pregnant on her months of not trying.. so I chart and chart and chart...

I'm all into the raising money funk now that that's the only thing I can focus on that will bring us closer to having a baby someday.. but this has proven to be WAY harder then anticipated!

We're tired.. I'm tired... but I can't stop and I feel like we are going to argue alot on this topic. He wants to stop till IVF... but IVF won't be happening till we raise at least $8000 and as awesome as my friends and family are, everyone has their own issues and places for their money to go.. and well it already took us 2 months to only raise $1585.. witch $500 was from my mom and $500 from my dad (divorced) so I don't know how many more friends I can ask.. I also hate always bringing our fund up because I don't want people to feel obligated or forced.. I put it on facebook and everyone who cares about it knows about it.... 2 months now.. I don't know why I thought more of my friends and family would help our cause but like I said reality is people don't have money to dish out to us and or they don't know enough about IVF or our journey or don't have time to read into it or don't know how to approach it or react to someone going threw infertility so they stay away.. like the plague.. far away.

I'd be lying if I said this whole raising money process hasn't made me sad and realize alot of things. I sent out an e-mail to all my aunts and uncles and reached out to all my cousins on facebook via a 'event page'.. (I have a large family).. I barely got the response I was hoping for... even if they don't have the funds to help us out I expected at least a nice short email or message wishing us well or at least something. It hurt me alot to not hear anything from most of them.. I put myself out there, I took weeks to come up with a really well written letter explaining how we got to where we are, my journey in a nut shell but without leaving anything out and also explaining that we don't just want everyone's money but we appreciate all the support we can get like emotional support and just showing us they read my email or message and understand and acknowledge that I put myself out there and I feel so naked and so shy and even kinda regret opening up to them because it hurts not getting the feedback I expected. Family is supposed to help each other out aren't they? If they all donated $50 we would be that much closer to our goal. It's not like I'm asking to help pay for our honeymoon or something, this is to help us bring a baby into this world, to make our family even larger. I don't know.. Don't get me wrong, my extended family they are really great people and I think what the problem is they don't know how to react to someone going threw something like this and probably don't know what the correct or appropriate amount to donate to a family member would be so they prob just wait around to see what the others will do.. only thing is, my gofundme has been up and running for 2 months now (it reminds me every time I log in) ei today it says: $1,585 raised by 11 people in 2 months. Also, it says I have had 197 visits total in 2 months.. so somewhere people are curious about this and bothered to check out the webpage but left it at that.

I just wish there was more I could do.. I thought about a bunch of ideas to raise money like do a yard sale.. only thing is when we moved out here (alberta a little over a year ago) I GAVE AWAY for free all my things.. like no joke everything to friends and family.. so I have nothing to garage sale or sell on kijijji because it's all gone and I didn't have time before the move to actually try and sell things so I had to just give away as quick as I could. Then I thought about doing a bake sale.. I don't have the type of office job where I can sit there during lunch hour and sell baked goods.. and there are not enough people who would buy and I'd end up loosing money.. I thought about taking up a second job but with the job I have now it would be really really hard since I work 10-6 and 11-7 (rotational). Also we have 2 dogs that need to be walked, loved, feed and cuddled. I also really need my alone relaxing time because of the type of job I have (disability worker). Also I plan on jumping back in the GYM kicking ass routine (do the Jamie Eason 12 week training). So I'm quickly running out of ideas for raising money.. I'm a crafty girl and I have a craft blog but there is no point in me selling them because they would cost more for me to ship them out then I would be making and charging. Since I live away from friends and family it makes it even harder to sell locally to them.

If anyone has any good ideas on how I can make quick money PLEASE let me know!! Even if it's something related with doing online work.. I will consider all suggestions.

Thanks

The (once again) Anxious Infertile Mrs.White