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Thursday, November 14, 2013

Secretly falling apart..

I am on vacation back home "Ontario" from the 6th to the 20th and tonight I'm falling apart :( 

So many of my friends and family have young children and newborns. It's my undoing.. Living so far away from what I knew.. family-co-workers-friends was very hard for me.. It's officially been 20 months since we moved out to Alberta and it's our very first visite back home since. I've been dreaming of going back and hugging my friends and family for months. 

Now that I'm here its strange to say I miss my new home. Never ever did I thought I would feel that way. I guess now I can say we really have created Alberta as our "home" and we really have been working hard towards building our new married life out there with our 2 dogs. Never realized how much I appreciated our daily and life routine. I kinda miss it. I know I'll look back on this post in 6 months and miss Ontario all over again but I think this trip home has done me some good and I see things in a new and positive light. 

Days are flying by so fast!!! Wish they would slow down so I could really soak my time here with friends and family... I want to absorb every minute of it to last us another year or so apart from them. 

The past 2 days my husband has spent his time 3 hours away from where I am to spend time with his family and friends on his own since I wanted to spend some 1 on 1 with my girlfriends for a couple days. Also he went to spend the day today with his bestfriend and his couple month old baby boy. Might I mention this baby boy is like one of the happiest babies I've seen in a long time... Always laughing, smiling and making those adorable cute baby funny noises. He's just overall all sorts of adorable and awesomeness. His parents (husbands bestfriend's wife) always post lots of pictures and videos of this abundness of cuteness all over Facebook.. Pinterest and all that fun stuff.. I've never met the kid yet but I know I'll fall in love with him instantly and I'm scared. I purposely told my husband and encouraged him to go see them while I was with my girlfriends. I don't know if he clued in but I just didn't feel ready to be around that yet. I mean you can see the love between the baby and his parents. The mom is glowing of pure joy and happiness and u can tell how happy and full her heart is with love for her child and husband and it breaks me. I'm so utterly happy for them they deserve all this happiness and for this joy... But for some reason I can't be around it. Every time I see pictures and videos it pulls at my heart and I feel numb.. I feel overcome with so many messed up feelings of envy, rage, sadness... It consumes me and then I get sooo incredibly mad at myself and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I've tried to explain it to my husband weeks ago about not being sure if I'm ready to be around them and being worried I wouldn't know how I'd feel and did not want to ruin my vacation by mopping around being depressed and feeling sorry for myself... He's usually really good at lifting me up when I need it and most of the time knows what to say to get me out of a funk but when it comes to his bestfriend my husband doesn't understand how I feel. He doesn't see it how I see it. Today he sent me a picture of him holding baby boy and omg I was nearly in tears while shopping with my bestfriend. I did not tell her anything about it as I didn't want to hear what she had to say... I know how I feel inside and I just needed to be alone with it. You have no idea how happy my husband looked... His face was literally glowing with love and happiness and he looked so natural holding a baby. Why can't I just be happy for other people?!!! Why do I always have to see things differently. When I see that picture I see what I can't give my husband... I can't give him that level of love and I ache. I can't explain how terribly scared I am that I will never see one of our own child in his arms with that look. Just as I type this im falling apart all over again. 

I'm a mess. I want to be happy for others and I thought I was finally at a hopeful place in my life and that I had learned to accept what I can't control and deal with reality that the world around me keeps moving forward in life while I'm stuck on pause. 

I hurt in levels I didn't know possible and i don't know how to deal with it and I have no one to share it with.. I love my friends but they don't understand it and things they say to try and make me feel better are always the exact thing NOT to say.. So I just know better now... Unless someone is walking in my shoes and living some of the things I live.. 

I've been listening to my family and friends talk about their kids and life as parents and how it's a lot of work and they wonder if they would have waited longer what their lives would be like now and just.. They have really opened up to me about how they feel about their choices to have kids and just a lot of stuff I am not ready to listen to and I guess I'm not strong enough to sit threw and hold my real feelings and thoughts back for... 

I'm way more broken then I thought and I come to realize being provinces away from friends and family starting and growing their families is what's best for me right now and I feel like the worst person even saying it out loud right now. I'm sure my friends would love to have me be a real true friend in their lives to live their new exciting adventures as parents and growing their family and all things being parents comes with and I realized it's ALOT easier for me to be a better friend from a distance. 

If only they all knew and understood what my journey threw infertility has been like for me, my marriage, my sanity, my everything. I am not the same person I was years ago. Infertility really does change a person and I'm sad to say it's not for the best. I really grew as a person and learned a lot about myself, my patience, my emotional state and more. I also learned that I don't know how to be a good friend anyone... Or at least the type of friend my friends need me to be to them. I also realized that they don't know how to be a good friend to me either. It's almost like shutting someone out is easier then trying to understand what their going threw. I have some friends who avoid me because they don't know what else to talk about then their kids and pregnancies with me so they just shut me out thinking that's what I want or something?! 

Infertility ruins people, friendships, marriages, families... 

I want to win my battle.. 
I want my journey to move forward... 
I want to be genuinely happy again... 
I wanna see that look on my husbands face everyday.... 

I want to stop hurting. 
I want to stop fooling myself in thinking I'm strong and hopeful when so many small things make me crumble and ache so deep. 

I want to stop feeling so alone in my feelings and thoughts. 

Did I mention my bestfriend is sleeping.. Snoring actually on a mattress on the floor beside me while I type this... I'm sleeping on a comfy couch.  I've cried as I typed this from start to finish.. Quietly in the dark.. It's 2:45am and I can't shut my brain off... Hoping writing this post helps me empty my head a bit... 

The Sad Infertile Mrs. White