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Thursday, September 26, 2013

Reasons why this life style change is so important to me

Reasons why this life style change is so important to me

- I'm tired of being fat (over weight) 
- I'm tired of not feeling comfortable in my own skin.
- I'm tired of feeling like I need to hide behind baggy clothes.
- I'm tired of starting a diet and quitting it couple days in.
- I'm tired of not owning a single pair of jeans because I cant find a single pair that fits
- I'm tired of living off my tights and long shirts because pants don't fit me properly anymore.
- I'm tired of having to feel the need to wear a shaper top under my loose tops
- I'm tired of not feeling sexy
- I'm tired of my face breaking out into acne when my hormones are all messed up
- I'm tired of being sad all the time.
- I'm tired of not feeling like myself
- I'm tired of being scared to be a overweight pregnant lady
- I'm tired of having to buy X-large clothes when I used to fit comfortably in a Medium!
- I'm tired of my back hurting because I tend to huntch forward because breast are heavy.
- I'm tired of thinking that maybe my weight is a way bigger issue infertility wise then I think
- I'm tired of having high cholesterol, this scared she crap out of me daily.
- I'm tired of not reflecting the person I am inside to the person I am on the outside.
- I'm tired of not feeling like I can express myself, the real me because I'm always hiding.
- I'm tired of not being able to wake up in the morning and throw any piece of clothes on and feel good.
- I'm tired of feeling like my husband deserves a better wife (sexier, happier, healthier)
- I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.
- I'm tired of being tired!



**** I re-read this post the next day and realized that I made myself sound like I was a hippo!!
I am not a huge unhealthy blob who only eats fast food!! I'm just a girl who is unhappy with her CURRENT weight size. I used to fit very comfortably in Medium size clothing.. lately I seem to only be able to fit into X-Large clothes (doesn't help that my breast have also grown alot, makes it even harder to find tops that fit!) and this is why I feel HUGE and really really not comfortable in my own body. I want to be the weight I was before because I remember how happy and confident I felt and I want that positive happy feeling back. For a girl with my health issues (Pcos, hypothyroidism and high cholesterol) loosing weight and keeping it off is essential. My GOAL is to no longer have high cholesterol and with the help of my Fertility Doc get my thyroid under control for once. My crappy thyroid plays a HUGE part in me gaining weight so easily and keeping it on and having A LOT of trouble loosing it. With my thyroid medication dosage increase I can already feel a huge different in my energy level. I just did blood work on Tuesday to check where my levels are at and they usually call me within a week to up my dosage so expecting a call sometime next week. It feels good to know I'm finally gaining control over it. (slowly but surely!).

Also I wanted to make it clear that I do eat 'healthy'.. I love my fruits and veggies and always pack them in my lunch, I make alot of homemade food, eat it for supper and leftovers for lunch. I always try and eat the healthier alternative but like any other person, I love my pasta, my bread and my chocolate! My problem is to be able to actually loose a significant amount of weight fast I need to cut it all out cold turkey. I've tried all types of diets and eating better but it's still never enough.. With my thyroid it feels close to impossible to just make healthier choices and loose weight.. I've been doing that for months and years and it's not enough.. So to see a difference within weeks and months I need to make a dramatic change. "Eat Clean" and that's huge because that means all my meals have to be made from scratch with fresh produce. No more quick spaghetti, pasta meals, homemade pizza or sandwiches.. Hello grilled chicken, quinoa salad and side of broccoli. Whenever I get my 2 week meal plan made up I'll try and post them on here in case anyone has suggestions to make things taste better or would like recipes for themselves to try out :) I'm hoping this works and sticks :).

The Infertile Mrs.White

September Update

Little update...

Time off of everything baby making related paid off. I was able to go threw my days easier and not feel like I had so much weight on my shoulders for things to go right and according to schedule.
I also feel a little more hormonal balanced.. The injections and stuff made me not myself. (as in I was extremely sensitive and really hard on myself.) The time off also felt good because my ovaries weren't feeling like they were on fire all the time and sex did not feel like a chore of painful. This month sex has been fun again.. we made love for hours and it felt great. I felt horny all month haha and usually I'm just not in the mood because I'm too sore or my hormones are all out of wack and takes more for me to get in the mood. Also the fact that I've been WAY less stressed has helped alot in being present in the moment and not always so tensed up. I've been sleeping better and not having nightmares all the time. Headaches have been alot fewer too.

Last month after the 2nd failed IUI I really started to come down on myself. I hated myself more then ever. I hated the fact that every time I try something fertility related I panic and take time off the gym in case it disturbs the whole process of growing my follicles properly.. (It's all in my head but I never want to take ANY chances when it comes to trying to do everything in my power to make it go right!). Then when I try and get my stride back in the gym it feels impossible and I feel so week from taking weeks off and I get discouraged so quickly and give up even faster. Then I get into a funk and find myself eating bad.. reaching for chocolate covered almonds, chips, fast food and so on. Worst part is after every "bad" meal I would eat I would get even more depressed and pissed off that I just eat what I eat and so I'd do it again. HUGE viscous circle I was stuck in for a while. I'm stuck in it, then I try and get out.. I feel good again.. the something comes up then I jump right back into that funk and start the whole cycle all over again. BAD!

I always knew what it would take to be happy again.
I knew I had to change my life around dramatically to be happy with myself (body and mind)
I needed to commit to the gym with no excuses.
I needed to start eating healthy and not just here and there, an everyday, every meal kind of deal.
I knew it would be hard, harder then I could imagine.
I knew I'd find myself crying threw it all 
and that I'd be sore daily from working out..
I knew i'd get real grumpy real fast and loose patience
and probably occasionally lash out at my husband for no reason at all.
I knew I'd need friends threw thing huge change
I knew I needed patience and confidence that "change" does not happen overnight
and that it's okay to mess up and start all over the next day.
I knew everything it took to be a better healthier me..
Only thing between happiness and myself is ME!

I know what it takes to be where I want to be..
I just don't feel strong enough to take the leap..
I'm the type that if I don't see results right away I tend to give up.
I tend to want to binge on bad food and find comfort in it after a hard day or a sad one.
I've been committed to going to the gym for over a month and a half now... 5 days a week.
I had been making healthier choices but they are still far far away from being "clean eating" 
It was still a good start for me.. gym and avoiding fast food.
Also I've been caffeine free for over 70 days now! That's huge for me.
I did have 2 coffee slips in there but I'm still really proud of that.


I worked harder then ever at the gym, 
I worked on "trying" to accept things that I cannot control (infertility)
And work on things that I can (health- get lean & healthy) 
I've had great workouts all month and I've been crazy sore to show for it!
I even had a lady at the gym tell me she noticed a difference 'that I was toning up'.
Oddly enough I thrive on feeling sore because sore means I did something right and that feeling feels good.. It's even contagious. 

Now that I have the gym routine packed down.. I need to tackle 'clean eating'.
That's a HUGE hump for me.. it scared the shit out of me!
When I say clean eating I mean like cutting out ALL sugars, ALL dairy, ALL wheat. 
Wowsers eh! I know.. if I'm gonna 'eat healthy' I need to jump all in and just do it.

I've yet to 'eat clean'... this coming week I plan on researching success stories and meal plans and ideas for every meal of the day for 2 weeks and I would alternate meal plan every 2 weeks. Without a meal plan I would not be able to follow threw. I need a calendar with meals planned ahead and grocery list with very very specific items on them. 
I tend to fall off the wagon real fast and that's why this new healthier way of eating is scary. I'm used to quick access foods like toast, a bowl of cereal, frozen meals, spaghetti, pasta anything, sandwiches.. you name it. I like quick and easy meals... having to prep my meals will be a whole new challenge for me with my busy work and gym schedule. That's when hubby is gonna have to step up and do this with me and help me out as much as he can.

Tonight thought... I feel like I have hit a plateau.
The scale is my new enemy, no joke!!! 
My weight fluctuates so much it's ridiculous, I feel like a yo-yo..
and I'm so sick of it! My weight has yo-yo'ed my whole life.
I really wish I could blame it on the scale or my thyroid!!!
Also.. The pregnancy announcements season has officially begun again.. 
Leaves are changing colours on the trees and babies are growing in bellies.. 
Just not in mine.


The saying above applies itself to many different aspects in my life.

- Little by little my muscles are getting stronger & I'm gaining A LOT of endurance.
- Little by little I'm starting to feel like maybe I can do this.. with A LOT of patience and dedication!
- Little by little the gym doesn't seem so much like a chore but more like therapy... 'A LOT'
- Little by little I started walking taller.. with A LOT of consistently reminding myself that Change takes time & that time I have.
- Little by little I started reaching for healthier meals for every meal and take A LOT of vitamins and minerals and this makes me feel A LOT healthier!
- Little by little this whole process doesn't seem so un-achievable. 
- Little by little I cry less at night and started sleeping A LOT better.

The Infertile Mrs.White

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Possible Pregnancy book ideas

These are 3 books I saw at Chapters and debating witch one would be the best one to buy. No time like the present to read it when I have some free time here and there instead of trying to cram read it when I do one day get pregnant.. I can even make some notes to prepare myself haha.. Their not cheap books either so really wanna choose the best one. I really like how they all have descriptive pictures.. I love books with pictures haha.  The picture at the top left corner I found on pinterest and thought it was SOO cute. I hope one day to have it in a nice white frame in the baby's room. 


I totally want this shirt!!!!! Found this on Pinterest too. 
I bet my little one will be a soccer player in my belly haha. 
--- One Day!!! ---

The Dreaming Infertile Mrs.White

Super Cute!

I love this picture!
Father like baby (son-daughter)
Can't wait to see my husband with our baby "one day"!!

The Infertile Mrs.White

Friday, September 6, 2013

New hello

Came across this on Facebook the other day and thought this is very true... 

For me it's in the context that right now I'm focusing on training hard at the gym, letting go of my bad food habits (eating my emotions) and learning to eat smaller more controlled portions.. Also eating every 2 hours or so to keep my metabolism going. This is extremely important with my crappy thyroid. 

I am working on being brave enough to say goodbye to bad habits and finding comfort in food and hoping to be rewarded with a new hello "a new me" (Slimmer, healthier, happier me!!) 

The Infertile Mrs.White 

Monday, September 2, 2013

Thank You Card :)

Thank You Cards I made for my uncle to thank him for his donation to our IVF fund.
Thought I'd share this card because I'm very proud of it's outcome :)

The Infertile Mrs.White