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Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mother's Day

This was my facebook status today:
"Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's and mom's-to-be. Also today can be a very hard and difficult day for many women out there, to those who lost their mom's, to those who never knew their mom and especially to the women who being a mom is all they ever dream/think about.. may today remind you to keep holding strong, keep having faith in something completely out of your control and never loose hope that one day your little mircle will happen. I'd like to point out.. in my dreams my future little girl looks just like this... a perfect blend of Brad and I with an extra side of cuteness... One day.. one day."
Thought I'd post it on here as well to remind all the beautiful women out there to keep holding on and that your not alone.. For the sake of facebook and the people on it I kept it light and very positive.... for the sake of my personal blog... today is not a good day... today is a very very hard day and I'm having trouble coping threw the day and keeping it together.. I'm surrounded by friends with young children and many many friends who are currently pregnant. Facebook is plastered with happy mommy-child pictures and for some reason this year Mothers's Day isn't about my own mom but focused on the lack of my own family. It doesn't help that my mom and mom-in-law are both many provinces away and today I feel more lonely then ever. Maybe if I were able to have spend some time with my siblings and mother I'd feel a little more hopeful. So hard to keep pushing threw and being so positive when months turn into years.. into more years.. into feeling like something that will never happen... 

I want to be able to look into the eyes of my child, a child I created out of all the love my husband and I have for each other, our own flesh and blood.. I want to be able to look into the eyes of something we created together and see myself "us" in them.. I want to see those little eyes looking back at me.. 

I wish I was part of some sort of infertility group.. a group of woman who meet up from time to time to talk, vent and share stories and to make it threw days like today together.

The Infertile Mrs.White

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Been a while

Man of man.

Sorry I've been so MIA lately. No it's not because I'm pregnant and keeping it a secret or anything fun like that. I've actually started a couple posts here and there... Everyday I think of a post I could write but I never write it. In the end it always revolves around the same thing and I'm so tired of bitching and complaint about it post after post so I kept it in.. Bottled it all up for weeks and told myself to grow some balls and stop being so depressed and sad all the time. Well the truth is... That didn't work.. Only made how I feel worst. 

My name is Nadine and I'm an angry Infertile. 

That's the bottom line. 

There are soooo many women out there with way worst cases then mine and they (not all but many) have been getting their BFP's and I just don't know how to handle it. I'm sooo overly happy for everyone but also soooo overly sad and mad at myself that I just can't make it work. Seriously how fregan hard is it... Sperm meets egg, egg turns into a baby. But nope somehow I get to fail miserably at that and I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. 

I'm scared... Scared shitless I'll never get my happy ending and that's what's eating me alive. Every new pregnancy I hear or gender reveal or births reminds me of another missed chance.. Of another month and year gone by where my kids won't get to grow up and be in the same grade as my friends kids. That I'll be that older first time mom.

Everyone gets to go threw all their kids firsts and experience all the love and amazingness kids bring into their lives and I'm stuck.. I had such a life planned for myself and feels like the years are just flying by and the whole time I've wasted it wishing and living threw everyone else's experiences. I'm tired of watching.. I wanna be part of the mom-to-be gang and the cool mom on the block.. I can't wait to make countless baby albums, make a bunch of cool fun crafts for my kids to bring to school... make them lunches, cook for them, clean up after them, spoil them, create memories, teach them, watch them grow and learn from them as well. I know having kids isn't easy and you don't sleep and all your money goes into raising them but I already know all this. Since I was really young I knew what being a mom meant and all the sacrifices it in-tales and I couldn't wait.. I'm a mom at heart and I can't wait to rock it.