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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Been a while

Man of man.

Sorry I've been so MIA lately. No it's not because I'm pregnant and keeping it a secret or anything fun like that. I've actually started a couple posts here and there... Everyday I think of a post I could write but I never write it. In the end it always revolves around the same thing and I'm so tired of bitching and complaint about it post after post so I kept it in.. Bottled it all up for weeks and told myself to grow some balls and stop being so depressed and sad all the time. Well the truth is... That didn't work.. Only made how I feel worst. 

My name is Nadine and I'm an angry Infertile. 

That's the bottom line. 

There are soooo many women out there with way worst cases then mine and they (not all but many) have been getting their BFP's and I just don't know how to handle it. I'm sooo overly happy for everyone but also soooo overly sad and mad at myself that I just can't make it work. Seriously how fregan hard is it... Sperm meets egg, egg turns into a baby. But nope somehow I get to fail miserably at that and I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. 

I'm scared... Scared shitless I'll never get my happy ending and that's what's eating me alive. Every new pregnancy I hear or gender reveal or births reminds me of another missed chance.. Of another month and year gone by where my kids won't get to grow up and be in the same grade as my friends kids. That I'll be that older first time mom.

Everyone gets to go threw all their kids firsts and experience all the love and amazingness kids bring into their lives and I'm stuck.. I had such a life planned for myself and feels like the years are just flying by and the whole time I've wasted it wishing and living threw everyone else's experiences. I'm tired of watching.. I wanna be part of the mom-to-be gang and the cool mom on the block.. I can't wait to make countless baby albums, make a bunch of cool fun crafts for my kids to bring to school... make them lunches, cook for them, clean up after them, spoil them, create memories, teach them, watch them grow and learn from them as well. I know having kids isn't easy and you don't sleep and all your money goes into raising them but I already know all this. Since I was really young I knew what being a mom meant and all the sacrifices it in-tales and I couldn't wait.. I'm a mom at heart and I can't wait to rock it.