This blog is about me.. and about how much I dislike myself at times. How I wish infertility didn't transform me into this monster inside. I wish that I could be happy for everyone around me and just move on and be stronger. But here I am.. this is my therapy.. I need to write it down and I need feedback, I need advice from people who are going threw some of the same things or have it worst so I can learn tricks to cope.. I also need to heal me..
When I'm talking about 'friends' and 'people'.. I'm being very general.. just because you are my friend and reading this, it doesn't meant AT ALL that it is meant towards you. This is a place where I can share my honest feelings and emotions while I'm going threw this journey. 'people and friends' can easily be the gorgeous mom's in walmart pushing their baby stroller with a cute baby bump who are all smiles going up and down the baby aisles. I envy them, I want to be them and my heart can't help but ache. 'People' can also be my close friends, my new friends, my childhood friends, my parents, my siblings, my pregnant cousins, pregnant friends, pregnant co-workers, anyone really. When I talk from my heart, please be patient with me and do not take everything I say so literal.. it's how I'm feeling inside and everyday i'm trying harder and harder to see things in a more positive light and to get myself out of this dark place I'm stuck in.
Everyone always tells me.. ''There's a reason for everything'' well.,. I really don't see the reasoning behind this one... but I guess that's why I'm on this journey.. to find out... (tear)
To my close friends, I know you guys want the best for me and really do try to understand me and put yourselves in my shoes. I love you guys for it and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for trying.
All this to say....
Now that I put it out there.. now that I opened up to the world about.. there it is.. the dreaded word.. "Infertility" I feel like a bit of weight has lifted off my shoulders. That no, I'm not in this alone.. Opening up to my friends felt really good. No, they might not 'fully' understand what I'm going threw but that's expected.. and I can't truly know what their going threw by being new parents and all that comes with that. It's not an easy job being a mom.. it's something I look SOOOOO forward to some day.. to not 1 but like 5 kids. But there it is.. out there.. and maybe it's for the best.. maybe now people will understand me a bit better when I'm not always all smiles, or when I back off a bit and become distant. It's not because I don't want to be there, it's because I can't for that moment.. weeks.. months whatever it takes.
Please be patient with me as I work threw this.. to someday having a more positive outlook on this.. altho there is absolutely NOTHING positive about infertility.. mostly just black bad sadness comes attached to that word.. but hey.. this is my journey and I'm gonna go where it takes me.. and I'm going to push as far as I have to.. to get to where I want to be.. a Mom, a Parent.. most of all a Family. Brad and I will never feel truly complete withought a big family to love. We have sooo much good to give, we want so much to teach our kids and grow old with them. ahh just thinking of what we could have... kills.,. yet gives me butterflies.. I know how amazing we will be at parenthood.. and that's a train I just can't wait to get on!!!
I was slowly loosing it... but I'm starting to see things in a better light...
Like I said, we will do anything-everything to get our family together..
I rather it not take 10 years since it's all so $$ but ya..
The Infertile Mrs.White