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Saturday, January 26, 2013

After 15ish months if not more of being silent...

Here I am..

I've come to this.. the need to start a infertility blog to help me cope and vent.. I have so much to say.. so many thoughts and mixed feelings about everything. I have so many insecurities, questions, concerns and I feel very VERY alone in all of this. My husband has been amazing threw it all but it's still down to he is a man and there is only so much he can 'really' understand.. Also he is taking the whole 'Let's be positive about all this' route and I'm really not jumping right on board.. I fake that im okay, I fake that every single day doesn't bother me and that im not dying inside and crying and yelling. I feel like no one around me understands what it is im going threw also I haven't really told many people.. I feel like they wouldn't understand anyways and I don't know how to tell them... don't know how they will react.. if they don't react the way id expect them too then ill feel even more alone and resent them.. yet not telling anyone i think is starting to really hurt me. I need to let this dark secret out.. I need to talk about it.. I need to get all this weight off my shoulders and frankly im so sick and tired of hearing people comment about how I love children so much and always wanted a big family since I was very young and how come we don't have 2-3 kids yet. I usually smile politely and walk away at those comments.. I now live ruffly 4000 km away from all my friends, family and everything I've ever known. We moved out here to Alberta at the end of March 2012 for my husbands job. At the time I figured a fresh start could do us all some good and distance gave me new prospective on my life, friendships, relationships and what was important to me and our new marriage.

This blog is not intended to be perfect, I am a crazy out there kind of person and when I start to open up my heart and pour it onto this blog there will be many dark posts and hopefully some more cheerful ones. I am doing this for ME. I think im finally ready to open up and surround myself with people who 'Get Me'. No offence to my friends who try and understand me.. you never will but I appreciate you being there for me. It means more then you'll ever know.

I'm at that point in my life where it seems like EVERYONE around me is pregnant, just had a baby or is working on their second. I want to be happy for all of them, I want to be that 'good friend' who's there for them, who's all cheery and supportive.. but to be honest that's the last thing I could picture myself doing right now. I hate them all and I can't look at my pregnant friends pictures and see their belly's growing without being envious, jealous, sad, angry and want to cry my eyes out and hide in a dark room and be left alone. I hate who I have become. I hate this dark, depressed person. I can hardly recognize myself anymore. I got pretty good at pretending that I'm okay, that being around all this baby stuff isn't killing me... but news flash people.. IT F*CKING HURTS !!!!

Try over a year and 5 cycles of clomid
then tell me you 'understand'. Ughh!!

I've read all these blogs about infertility and how each and every person is coping it in their own ways. I like to read those blogs where the woman are real.. say it how it is and don't sugar coat it. IT SUCKS!!! We do become 'bitches' and we do turn into people we really don't want to be or even thought we could be.

Well everyone.. here I am.. this is me now..

The infertile Mrs.White