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Sunday, April 6, 2014

No one ever told me...

No one ever told me how hard this would be.

No one ever warned me of the long hard journey I would have ahead of me. 

I never thought I'd be in these shoes. 

I never thought I'd find the man of my dreams, marry him then not be able to give him children. 

I never thought I'd love my in-laws so much and be terrified I wouldn't be able to give them grandchildren. Especially since my husband is their eldest. 

I never thought I'd have to sit by and watch ALL my friends and family get pregnant the first time around and then keep sitting on the side line and watch their families grow.

I never thought I'd be worried someone would choose the boy and girls name my husband and I picked out forever ago! I worry every time I hear a new pregnancy because it will make my baby name choosing less of a wow factor but be the 2nd to name their kids so as so. 

I never thought I'd cry myself to sleep and wake up crying from pregnancy and baby dreams. 

I never thought I couldn't have it all. Handsome husband, 2 most cutest dogs and 3-4 kids. 

I never thought I'd be counting down the years and months of yet another failed cycle 

I never knew I'd feel so devastated from getting my period and cry for days on after. 

I never thought I'd have to know all the infertility/fertility lingo 

I never thought I'd have to understand every single step that goes into conceiving and have to plan everything perfectly from the minute my period starts, to baseline ultrasounds, to injections at a specific time of day, to trigger shots at a precise time of night, to dr appointments, many many follow up ultrasounds and blood work to iui procedures down to counting down my extremely long 2ww.. to understanding exactly what goes on in my body during the 2ww and be able to track what should be happening at each stage (when fertilized egg should exit my tubes and when it should implant and what symptoms I should be looking for and so on..) 

I always thought I'd be among the first batch of friends to be pregnant 

I never thought that my arguments with my husband would circle around infertility (me always being sad, depressed, crying, mood swings and him trying to keep up and tell me "everything will work out in the end" and me wanting to ring his neck. He tries his best an thinks and tries to always say the right thing but for months now even his words irritate me and make me even more sad). He used to be the only one who would calm me. All he had to do was put his arms around me and let me cry it out. He never had to say a word and did everything I needed at that moment without knowing he was. Months months and years later... He's just getting sick of me being so negative all the time. I try and hide my feelings from him, pretend I'm okay when I'm dying inside. I cry in the shower and bottle everything in. At some point my gloominess is just too much for him. He wants me truly happy, not this facade I'm putting on and hates that he can't do anything to make me happier and feel better. He gets so angry when I mention "oh there we go.. Another pregnancy announcement, or complain about how I don't understand how people can just have sex and get pregnant.. I just don't comprehend that. To me so much has to go into making a baby that I always get blown away when my friends tell me it was an accident or they had no idea they were pregnant and so on. I get sad, mad, irritated, angry, I wanna block them from my life at all cost, I want a punching bag and run away. (I don't actually hate them haha I hate myself and whenever I hear pregnancy announcements or gender reveals or see all these cute pics of baby's birth it comes and gets me deep deep inside and reminds me over and over of all the joy and love I'm missing out on and how much of a failure my body is). My husband sees me go threw all these emotions and anger and it just takes a tole on him. He doesn't know what more to do and doesn't want to be reminded all the time about it. He tells me he is sad too but that at some point he rather just choose to live happy just us two then pine over something we might never be able to have. This breaks my heart every time he says this.. I feel like he has given up even if I know having his own family is a huge thing for him.

I hate that we are at a point where we feel like giving up... like we feel we're spending way too much money on failures and living life in the "what if's". We are constantly trying to save money for IVF but something always seems to come up and dip into the IVF saving  fund for example.. new tires for his truck are sooo needed, I need all seasons tires because I had to throw mine out last year they were too old to use and now I'm driving on my winters... my dog needs to be fixed and we've been putting it off for years now.. we still haven't had a honeymoon 2 years later, we've never been on a trip down south together ever... we never go out and just have fun because we never feel like we can justify spending that money.. we were supposed to save up a bit and get me a nicer wedding ring set since mine didn't come as a set and when we got married we agreed to pay alot less for a "for now" ring and I cannot wait to get a new set that I love because I love being married to my husband and I want a big shiny beautiful ring to reflect our love and I wanna wear it proudly for life! Also we had to dish out alot of unexpected money when we flew back home to visit friends and family in November.. it had been 18 months since we had seen anyone. We have been out here in Alberta for over 2 years and have only flew back home once because we just don't want to spend all that money and then some. Every time our IVF fund seems to finally be looking up some big random important expense comes up.. like my car or his truck breaks down and we need to dish out lotsa big bills to get it fixed.. we both need our cars for work and to get around.. so then the fund goes back down. Viscous circle!!

We live life on hold and money always holds us back.

I hate the huge void I feel inside daily. I'm so terribly scared that it will never happen for us that it haunts my dreams, it's on my mind everyday no matter what I do. I usually start off every morning convincing myself that "today is going to be a good day, no tears, no baby talk.. just a good normal happy day" then something always comes up and I get right back into my funk.

I hate how I feel. I hate being so scared of the unknown. I hate being on hold. I hate watching the world move forward and being stuck.. standing still.. I always fee like a part of me is dying. I'm loosing myself in this whole infertility world and I'm sinking. A couple months ago for a while I was doing good.. my happiness for others trumped how sorry I felt for myself because I really am happy for everyone around me, they deserve happiness as much as anyone else and because I care so much about others I think that's what hurts the most. I feel like I can't be there for anyone anymore. The way I feel and the way infertility has impacted all aspects of my life I now know and feel that everyone around me (family and friends) see this sadness and ache and want to stay away.. either they don't know how to be around someone dealing with that kind of issue, they don't know what to say or scared to say something wrong.. or they just don't understand what I'm going threw and my actions and behaviors could upset them and make them not want to be around someone like me. (someone who speaks openly about infertility and who isn't scared anymore to show when I'm not doing okay). It's alot easier for people to stay away then to try and deal with a situation they know nothing or not much about. That's where I am now. I feel like I'm standing alone in this big mess called my life. Yeah sure maybe I'm over exaggerating things a bit here.. but honestly after YEARS of infertility, heartaches, disappointments, pain from treatments, all the tests poking and prodding.. I'm just not who I used to be and in all honesty my life does revolve around infertility and the "what's next". This is the bit that is now driving my husband crazy. He wants to break free of all the sadness and aches we have gone threw and move on to better things.. sad thing is.. we're on this roller-coaster till I get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. You don't just wake up one morning and suddenly feel amazing. Every single day there is some kinda reminder over and over threw out the day that pops up and there's just no hiding from it.

The only time I'm actually truly happy is when we are actively trying to create a baby.. when I'm injecting myself daily full of hormones and when I'm in serious pain from my ovaries expanding so quick that I truly feel happy because I'm actually working towards a goal. But then it fails.. and I sink ever deeper.. because that means it's another step closer to "this will never happen". I know it's ridiculous thinking this way but a woman can only do so many clomid cycles, IUI's and IVF's before she runs out of eggs or before it takes a serious tole on your body, emotions, physical aspect and the whole nine yards that comes with injecting a serious amount of hormones in your body month after month. You become a monster, angry, emotional, sad.. A huuuge mess that you can't control because you feel foreign to your own body. I think many women would agree with me. Also I need very high dosages of hormones in order to actually grow my follicles to size so this might not apply to all but most.

I found this picture on pinterest a long time ago and saved it because when I read it, it had really affected me... I thought the statement was over-exaggerated and that there's always something new to try and to look forward to so how could someone loose hope and feel this sad all the time.. When I was on clomid I was happy because I knew I still had many options, then IUI came around 3 times and failed witch was weird because the process for all 3 IUI's went perfect yet never lead to a pregnancy.. So many unanswered questions and yes we still have IVF but I'm scared shitless because that's always the LAST option.. and to think we are there now suuuucks and it's scary!. But ya.. the following pic is where I am at now and I can truly say I relate to every word of it and feel those exact emotions daily.

The Infertile Mrs.White