I hate that we are at a point where we feel like giving up... like we feel we're spending way too much money on failures and living life in the "what if's". We are constantly trying to save money for IVF but something always seems to come up and dip into the IVF saving fund for example.. new tires for his truck are sooo needed, I need all seasons tires because I had to throw mine out last year they were too old to use and now I'm driving on my winters... my dog needs to be fixed and we've been putting it off for years now.. we still haven't had a honeymoon 2 years later, we've never been on a trip down south together ever... we never go out and just have fun because we never feel like we can justify spending that money.. we were supposed to save up a bit and get me a nicer wedding ring set since mine didn't come as a set and when we got married we agreed to pay alot less for a "for now" ring and I cannot wait to get a new set that I love because I love being married to my husband and I want a big shiny beautiful ring to reflect our love and I wanna wear it proudly for life! Also we had to dish out alot of unexpected money when we flew back home to visit friends and family in November.. it had been 18 months since we had seen anyone. We have been out here in Alberta for over 2 years and have only flew back home once because we just don't want to spend all that money and then some. Every time our IVF fund seems to finally be looking up some big random important expense comes up.. like my car or his truck breaks down and we need to dish out lotsa big bills to get it fixed.. we both need our cars for work and to get around.. so then the fund goes back down. Viscous circle!!
We live life on hold and money always holds us back.
I hate how I feel. I hate being so scared of the unknown. I hate being on hold. I hate watching the world move forward and being stuck.. standing still.. I always fee like a part of me is dying. I'm loosing myself in this whole infertility world and I'm sinking. A couple months ago for a while I was doing good.. my happiness for others trumped how sorry I felt for myself because I really am happy for everyone around me, they deserve happiness as much as anyone else and because I care so much about others I think that's what hurts the most. I feel like I can't be there for anyone anymore. The way I feel and the way infertility has impacted all aspects of my life I now know and feel that everyone around me (family and friends) see this sadness and ache and want to stay away.. either they don't know how to be around someone dealing with that kind of issue, they don't know what to say or scared to say something wrong.. or they just don't understand what I'm going threw and my actions and behaviors could upset them and make them not want to be around someone like me. (someone who speaks openly about infertility and who isn't scared anymore to show when I'm not doing okay). It's alot easier for people to stay away then to try and deal with a situation they know nothing or not much about. That's where I am now. I feel like I'm standing alone in this big mess called my life. Yeah sure maybe I'm over exaggerating things a bit here.. but honestly after YEARS of infertility, heartaches, disappointments, pain from treatments, all the tests poking and prodding.. I'm just not who I used to be and in all honesty my life does revolve around infertility and the "what's next". This is the bit that is now driving my husband crazy. He wants to break free of all the sadness and aches we have gone threw and move on to better things.. sad thing is.. we're on this roller-coaster till I get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. You don't just wake up one morning and suddenly feel amazing. Every single day there is some kinda reminder over and over threw out the day that pops up and there's just no hiding from it.
The only time I'm actually truly happy is when we are actively trying to create a baby.. when I'm injecting myself daily full of hormones and when I'm in serious pain from my ovaries expanding so quick that I truly feel happy because I'm actually working towards a goal. But then it fails.. and I sink ever deeper.. because that means it's another step closer to "this will never happen". I know it's ridiculous thinking this way but a woman can only do so many clomid cycles, IUI's and IVF's before she runs out of eggs or before it takes a serious tole on your body, emotions, physical aspect and the whole nine yards that comes with injecting a serious amount of hormones in your body month after month. You become a monster, angry, emotional, sad.. A huuuge mess that you can't control because you feel foreign to your own body. I think many women would agree with me. Also I need very high dosages of hormones in order to actually grow my follicles to size so this might not apply to all but most.
I found this picture on pinterest a long time ago and saved it because when I read it, it had really affected me... I thought the statement was over-exaggerated and that there's always something new to try and to look forward to so how could someone loose hope and feel this sad all the time.. When I was on clomid I was happy because I knew I still had many options, then IUI came around 3 times and failed witch was weird because the process for all 3 IUI's went perfect yet never lead to a pregnancy.. So many unanswered questions and yes we still have IVF but I'm scared shitless because that's always the LAST option.. and to think we are there now suuuucks and it's scary!. But ya.. the following pic is where I am at now and I can truly say I relate to every word of it and feel those exact emotions daily.
The Infertile Mrs.White