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Sunday, July 13, 2014

6 months ?!

I wrote this post and had it sitting in my draft since June 22nd.. Today I finally got around to re-reading it, adding a couple parts and posting it! So here you have it.. sorry about the length in advance! :)

Man time flies!!

When I was writing my post last night I kinda freaked out when I realized just how much time has passed since my last IUI.. 6 months!! Man oh man where has the months gone! :O

I can definitely say I've had many low points during those six months.. My weight has been the biggest obstacle for me. My whole life my weight has yo-yo'ed and it started really getting to me. I felt defeated, I had reached my highest weight ever and I panicked, freaked right out. The problem is.. I'm an emotional eater.. I turn to food for comfort and I've always been aware of it but I had never been able to break free from bad food habits. I've had so many highs and lows in the past 2 months that I just didn't know how to deal with it all on my own. I live so far away from friends and family, I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to and I didn't want to become a burden to my friends and sound like a broken record so I just started to bottle all my emotions up inside and resort to food for comfort. A good example of that would be for example my job can get really stressful at times (I'm a disability support worker) and at times it gets really frustrating and some days my patience runs thin and when I get stressed, sad, annoyed... I resort to Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte (Lactose free, half sweet, Grande pumpkin spice latte to be exact) haha.. but yah.. a coffee here, a coffee there.. Then there are days where I didn't feel like making a lunch the night before so I would just eat out the following day and it would always be fast food since I don't really have time between clients to drive around and get food. One bad habit turned into many. Often my husband and I would go to the gym, have a really great workout then we would get home and not feel like cooking so we would order pizza! Haha like worst idea ever! Then I'd have pizza left over for lunch the next day. Ughh just thinking about all the bad habits I had makes me sick now. I felt so powerless and like I had no control over my life in the food department. I tried going gluten-free for a whole month and I did it and I loved it but that ended up being the worst idea ever!! I had ended up going to Bulk Barn and grocery stores and buying all this expensive gluten-free stuff and didn't bother reading the ingredients that happened to be loaded with sugar. Let's just say I gained a fair bit during that month without realizing it. Then the following month I panicked when I realized how much my weight had climbed so I went to the extreme and would only eat grilled meat, no sauce no flavor except Frank's Hot Sauce (lol) and veggies. It lasted a couple weeks then I got so sick of it and quit. I swear I had such a hard time finding a middle ground, feeling good about my diet and sticking to it. The problem wasn't the diet it was the way I perceived myself, the way I related to food and the way I would get discouraged way too fast and didn't seem to have patience or a way to control my bad emotional eating. Especially while going threw IUI1 IUI2 & IUI3. Being pumped up on hormones all the time sucked and I didn't realized the effect all that had on my body and my mind. I craved food, I eat emotionally because I felt like I had nothing else to resort to. 40% laziness, 30% emotional eating, 30% couldn't commit to a healthy life style.

When I think that it's already been 6 months since my last IUI I freak out thinking OMG how in the world did I let that many months go by without actively trying to create a baby!!

I had to really reflect on those 6 months and you know what, I'm soooo glad I took 6 months (half a year :S) off because I learned alot during this time. I learnt alot about myself, learn what my mind is capable of and what my body can do when I stick to something and believe in myself. I kept giving up before because like I said I've yo-yo'ed my whole life. I've once been thin and felt amazing then I'd gain it back, be miserable again, then would go to the gym eat differently, loose weight, then stress about school or life then eat bad then gain back but more this time, then I'd go crazy and do P90X, I felt strong, the weight was falling off then something would come up and I'd stop training. I always gave up and never kept at it and kept pushing myself to be better and to see what I was capable of.

These past 6 months I've done just that. I had to really reflect on my life and recognize all the things that made me happy, the things that made me sad, the things in my life I felt that I had no control over and also focused on the things I could change and how to improve myself overall so that I could love myself again and be happy with myself. I finally realized that what I had to do this time around was set small but very realistic and reachable goals for myself and review them every couple weeks. Adjust my goals and tweak them to keep myself on track and always remember what my end goal is, how I want to feel down the line and focus towards the good, the positive. I had to keep reminding myself that if I fell off the wagon for one meal, if I had an off day it was okay, but that I had to get right back on track the following day. For example:

- Recognize when I was stress eating / emotional eating and deal with the issue right away in a different way instead of running to food. (talk to someone, crank up music in my car by myself and sing at the top of my lungs on the way home to decompress, remind myself that after I eat bad food I feel worst, that by making better choices in the end I'd feel better overall.
- Learn to let go of all the small things. (Don't sweat the small stuff)
- Not care about what others will think.. do what I need to do for me, to make me happy since in the end all I have is myself and I better start loving it.
- Be more patient with myself, I can't make magic.. it will get done when it gets done no point in stressing about it all day or all week when in the end it was all insignificant.
- Not put so much on my shoulders.
- Learn to "dust it off". Someone criticizes me, learn from it and move on. Don't stress and replay scenarios in my head over and over of how things "should/could" have went down. Just role with it and move on.
- Not to take everything so literal. I'm way too good at over analyzing everything!
- Not to give myself deadlines or unrealistic expectations / goals.
- Acknowledge the negative things going on during the day and in my life, but then work on turning them into positive things (see it in a better light) and keep working everyday on turning those grey areas into something better and more positive. I've been very negative without realizing it and it's time I work on that.. how being a more positive person can completely change a life!
- Pay more attention to my appearance (wearing baggy clothes to cover up isn't always the best idea!)
- .... list goes on.

One day I just snapped out of it. I looked in the mirror and I was so sick of what was staring back at me, so sick of buying XL clothes, so sick of shopping at crappy stores (never wanted to walk into nice stores because I didn't feel like trying on the clothes, everything fitted me so weird). I got SO tired of feeling the need to cover myself up all the time.. (the need to hid behind baggy clothes, big sweaters) Everyday I wished I was wearing a parka to hide under. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't THAT huge, but I felt like a whale. I was at the biggest I had ever been and I knew how good I felt all around when I was smaller and I wanted to get back to that so bad. A friend shared a quote with me at some point "Nothing tastes as good as pregnant".. at first I didn't really get it, I kinda got upset and disregarded the quote thinking " yah well it's not like I'm not trying hard".. When I look back now and really think about it... no I wasn't doing everything I could. I wasn't trying nearly hard enough. So much has changed in 6 months and I still have along way to go but my frame of mind has changed and that was the biggest hurtle yet.

Nothing does taste as good as pregnant does. Every time I would eat sweets or anything sugar and high fat related I physically felt like shit after and not to mention the pounds I was gaining. One day I just cracked and that's all I needed. I changed my life around and my way of thinking about stress and food. I started having more confidence in myself at work. I started actually wanting to go to the gym. To my husband the gym is his escape, his drug, his passion so we would go together and he really helped to get me back in the gym mode. He always encouraged me and pushed me to be better when I needed a good push. Suddenly after a great workout I no longer craved pizza, I craved chicken cooked on the bbq with roasted veggies.

I acknowledged that every single food item I put in my mouth had a positive or negative reaction.
The picture below makes me laugh... both pooches wanted my supper haha. Love them to pieces.

Suddenly all I ever wanted to eat or craved was a platter full of veggie greens and meat. I started to fuel my body with 100% healthy foods and saw food not as comfort but as a necessity to make my body and brain function better. The first week was HELL! I was going threw a caffeine and sugar detox withdrawal. I had gotten 4 really really horrible migraines in a week (bad enough I had to take 3 Tylenol codeine at one time and it still hurt). I remember yelling at my husband that I felt like my brain was going to explode and that I wanted to go to hospital for morphine that's when he went to the pharmacy for stronger Tylenol. Thank god for that fiouf! There's nothing wrong with caffeine but I wanted to detox my body of all things not healthy and technically caffeine is an addictive drug. Also I don't like or enjoy black coffee, I always made them mocha's or latte's and that's where it got really unhealthy so I choose to cut it out all together. The only caffeine drink I'd consume was green tea. I knew we weren't going to be actively trying to conceive for a couple months and my goal became to get my insides as healthy as possible before we would attempt IVF or another IUI. There suddenly was no point in pouring money and all the not so fun stuff that come with fertility drugs and treatments since I knew my body wasn't where it needed to be in order to fully succeed at becoming pregnant, I really wasn't giving it my best shot. It suddenly wasn't about seeing the pounds fall off, it wasn't about getting thin.. what made this time around 100% different was that I was doing it all for my health, my insides, my organs, my brain, my muscles. Not focusing on the scale and constantly looking in the mirror to see if I looked any smaller or if my clothes felt looser made a HUGE difference. I was seriously taking this new challenge day by day and 100% not focusing on weight loss but all about how I felt on the inside, emotionally and physically in the sense that.. for example.. suddenly my headaches came on less often, suddenly the gym became a little easier every day and my endurance dramatically changed. I felt more alert during the day and not so sluggish. I found myself drinking even more water (I was always a big water drinker) but now I seemed to only be drinking water and feeling good about it, I didn't need my high sugar juices or coffee fix anymore.  My clothes started feeling baggy on me but I refused to see it, so many times my husband would look at me and be like man you are really loosing weight and I'd shrug and not think of it, I'd reply with I feel healthy.  I had really scary high cholesterol, hypothyroidism (slow thyroid), horrible migraine attacks weekly, headaches almost daily, felt sluggish, craved coffee all the time, always felt tired and like I had no energy. Eating clean and healthy everyday made me feel new again. Don't get me wrong it's not easy but everyday it got a bit easier and it's all about a slow but steady pace and reminding yourself why your doing it. For fewer migraines and headaches alone I feel utterly happy and thankful and kinda even mad at myself for not being strong enough to do this YEARS ago!!!

I decided to take control of my life and make those months count. Everything I consumed served a purposed and was to fuel the need of my body, to fuel my muscles, to feed my brain, to help my skin glow. I've already been taking vitamins for a couple years now but I started to take fish oil pills (one that doesnt smell or taste fishy, they have a great coating and it doesn't come back up either, a little pricier but it's the only kind I could handle as I absolutely do not consume any fish or water creature ever) so I needed to get the fish oils in me to aid my brain function, I started taking Coqu10 for the health of my heart, calcium for my bones (as I went 90% dairy free since I'm intolerant, it only made sense) I take some PGX fiber capsules to help me be regular and also at first it was to train my brain to feel full and content eating healthy food and try and make the sweet cravings go away by feeling full. As the weeks went by I took less and less of them. Now I only take them here and there when I feel the need to be more regular lol. I also started taking B-12 injections. That stuff works wonders for your body and mind.

At the gym I started being able to push myself farther and not give up. I started pushing more reps with more weights and the healing time between workouts became shorter. I felt and saw a huge difference this time around. Man when you mix a healthy food life style, the gym and being able to control (or at least acknowledge when I'm stressed, worried, sad, mad, happy) and be able to come out of it on my own by turning it into something positive or being able to shrug it off because really at the end of the day all those small things I'd worry and stress about become minimal and not so important. Everyday I work on not sweating the small stuff and wow what a difference I feel, at the end of the day before I go to bed I don't have this heavy weight on my shoulder. I also learned (slowly but getting there) to detach myself from work when I get home. Trying really hard to separate the two and have more confidence in myself work wise.

Sex.... yup sex.. Loosing weight, fueling your body properly and getting ride of unnecessary stress has an amazing impact on your sex life and your relationship. I'm finally able to let loose, have fun in the bedroom, enjoy my body (still alot of work to do but everyday is a day closer). We have never had this much sex ever haha! Like I want it all the time now haha. I feel so much better inside and out and I want to satisfy myself and my husband haha. Especially after a really good hard workout at the gym together all we wanna do is rush home, shower together and make out and touch each other all over and have fuuun, explore more and just let go! When we moved out here I gained alot and I became ashamed of my body and never wanted sex. I never craved it because I always wanted to hide my body, I was so mad I had let myself go and I felt like I was never able to truly let go of my insecurities and really enjoy myself.. Man now it's like night and day! We do it during the day in the bright daylight and I love it! I'm still really shy about my body because I have a long way to go still but I feel sooo much better! Sex is fun, sex brings us closer together again, sex lets me release all the stress and worries of my day and helps me sleep solid after hahhaa. Everyone should be having more sex !!! :P Have I mentioned that my husband is also on the eatclean wagon and he too have lost extra pounds.. we both feel much better (with room to improve) but we are doing this together and that's what counts. We are supporting each other and rewarding each other in the bedroom after bahahhaa.. No seriously though.. go have more sex and just let go!

So far I've lost 21 pounds, I've gained alot of muscles too witch weigh more so I'm sure my number would be way lower if I was a cardio bunny but I'm not, I love lifting heavy weights cause I'm good at it and I always add 30 mins elepticle at the end of every workout cause cardio is super important but balanced :) I find myself touching, playing with my own arms feeling my muscles and flexing haha.. and man oh man my calved are crazy awesome! I always had defined calves from the way I walk I guess but man I'm obsessed with them now haha!

I can't wait to see myself down the line in a couple months!!

The Infertile Mrs.White