I've had a crappy week.. Seems like pregnancy announcements are in the air.. I don't think i'm in the right frame of mind to handle anything baby related for another week. I thought I was doing better, I thought I was getting stronger again and able to face the world of fertile people... but I was wrong.. very wrong. I'm an emotional wreck and have been keeping to myself.. Every time my phone rings or makes a noise saying I received a text I pray it's not another pregnancy announcement. I hate that I feel this way.. I hate that I can't be happy for my childhood best friend who lives couple provinces away.. who just announced to me the other day that she's pregnant. I received this news not even a week after my failed IUI.. (granted she had no idea of my situation.. and I do not blame her in any way, I'm speaking in terms of everyone is happy, fertile and want to spread their joy while all I wanted for the 2 weeks fallowing my failed iui was peace and no reminders, no baby talk.. nothing.. just wanted to be left alone.) She announced her pregnancy over text message and for some reason I really wish we hadn't had that conversation. I wish I would have just left it at Congratulations.. only because I really don't like when people throw ideas and suggestions out there to try and make me feel better when really all it does is make me feel 100 times worst because I don't need suggestions at this point, I don't need sympathy I just need to be understood and acknowledged if that makes any sense. Don't get me wrong, I do want suggestions and helpful tips on how to cope with infertility but I do NOT want or appreciate people throwing around ideas that are so not appropriate and like I haven't thought of everything before they mention it.. ex: Why don't you adopt? (Like it's that simple! the cure to being infertile) Makes my blood boil. I can't stand naive comments.. I used to.. but now that I'm deep in this infertility and have made alot of research and realized more then ever what it would mean to me to have my own child I can't stand those comments. I always wonder if they put themselves in my shoes for a second before they threw those comments out.
I absolutely love my best friend and I do not mean to insult her or humiliate her in any way. I just feel the need to share parts of our conversation over text because days later I'm still thinking about our conversation. Here we go.
She text: ''Hey Nadine!!! I wanted to share my news with you.... I'm pregnant! Super excited about it and wanted to spread some joy. I hope to hear form you soon. Sorry if its too late for texting!!"
I replied: ''Congratulations, when did you find out?'' (not my usual happy excited self)
She replied: ''In March, but we wanted to wait to make sure everything was okay, and we had our testing ultrasound and blood tests last week and they came back good witch is the reason for the delay in saying anything.''
I replied: ''that's exciting'' (while my heart was tightening and eyes watering)
She replied: ''Yup, we're definitely excited''.
Then I started to feel like shit, I was so mad at myself for not being able to genuinely be happy for her. She deserves to be pregnant just as much as the next person and just because i'm in my situation doesn't mean I can't be a good friend. I hate what I've become.. So.. I decided to open up so that she would hopefully understand a bit more why I wasn't my usual super cheery self like she deserved me to be.. after all, this was Huge news she was sharing with me.
I replied: ''Sorry I'm really not in the best place right now. I'm extremely happy for you this is a huge step in your life... I'm just going threw some ruff times lately.. Been trying to conceive for 2 years now (i'm infertile) and tried 5 rounds of meds with no success and finally tried IUI procedure with injections last month and last week I got my period indicating it failed yet again and i'm still not pregnant. Seems like one by one everyone close to me is either working on their second or announcing their pregnant. I'm so happy but at the same time keeps reminding me how I keep failing at getting pregnant. It has been a hard and long journey and IVF is our next option just extremely expensive and a lot is involved in the process. Once again congrats really happy for you''. (once I pressed send I regretted it, I opened a can of worms I wasn't sure I was ready to open but felt the need to explain why I couldn't be how she needed me to react).
She replied: ''Oh god.. That's so rough, I'm so sorry :( I had no idea. I knew you wanted to have kids and as soon as possible, but sometimes it just takes time and thought that's what it was (for us it took a year). I know you don't want to hear this but have you considered using a surrogate? It's different but if the baby is what you want it could be a great option... Or even adoption? I feel so bad now, just for how you must be feeling and then I come at you all excited when I should have been more sympathetic to what could be going on with you'' (Surrogate?! Really?!! Ugh.. At this point I regret opening the can of warm...)
I replied: "I just felt the need to tell you.. I wouldn't feel like a best friend if I didn't share that with you. I don't want to be fake and I felt the need to explain in case you were wondering why I'd be distant or not giving you the reaction you deserve. Just caught me off guard I was expecting 'we're getting married!' but its amazing news just needed to wrap my hear around it. I love you very much and only wish the best for you"
I then continued: "I'm not giving up yet, I want a baby but most of all I want my own baby and I want to get to go threw all the amazing moments of motherhood and pregnancy. Being a mom means more to me then just having a baby. We have considered adoption for a year now but the process is extremely long and so many steps to go threw and expensive! So many rules to fallow and we aren't financially where adoption agencies would want us. Way harder to adopt then people think it is. Surrogate never crossed my mind ever. I rather adopt before doing that. So expensive and I find it wrong on many levels. Yes we're ready to do anything to build our family but that I'm against."
I then added: "thank you for understanding and thank you for sharing your news with me"
She then replied: "Honestly when I first got your reply, I knew something was wrong, not that you weren't happy for me but disappointed somehow, and it makes sense now that I know what you're going threw." (She then added some personal things about her relationship so I wont share that part). Then she added: "Ugh, I can see why it would be so hard for adoption, and in a sense maybe it feels like giving up? I don't know... i don't want that to come out the wrong way but if you start going through that process then it's like your saying 'this wont happen for me, lets just go the other route'. Surrogates freak me out, but I've heard great things about it so haven't seen the bad sides. You just tried IUI last month right? Is it something you can keep trying for a while (in case it takes a little longer) or was that it and if it doesn't happen right away it wont kind of situation? I feel so crappy for you, I'm in tears thinking of what you're going through. I know I hated hearing baby news when we were trying and for you it has to be a million times worst." She added: "I love you so much too and want you to get everything you want in life, and that you aren't getting it is heartbreaking."
I added: "Thanks, Iui I can keep doing but it's very $$ and time consuming and hard on the body, mind and wallet. My fertility clinic is 2 hours away 1 way in Edmonton and I have to drive up there every appointment I have for blood work and ultrasounds to see if my follicles grew with injections before doing the actual iui procedure. It's draining and I have to wake up at 4am to be a the clinic before they open because it's first come first serve and there's always a line up of woman before the clinic even opens. It's hard always booking random last minute days off work and overall it has been hard on us and when you spend so much time, money, mileage on my car and using up a lot of 'sick and wellness days' at work and the whole process fails and I get my period it's crushing and it does feel like the end of the world for a couple days after. I'm still in the process of picking myself back up and I always try and see the positive but after 2 extremely long years of trying month after month with never a slight sign of hope its taking its tole. if we keep doing iui it uses up a lot of our insurance money and uses up the rest of my sick days at work and so on and it's not guaranteed at all to work its just always the next step for people trying to conceive. I had to inject hormones in me for 16 days and then do a trigger shot to release my eggs then do the iui 36 hours later. It's not a process I wish to try over and over and over again each time hoping for it to work. We talked and decided to opt for IVF. Wait a couple months try and save up as much as we can and see where that leads us. IVF is around $10 000 so if that fails fuck my life type of thing. I did 5 cycles of clomid and that put my body threw hell and pain. I'm sick of feeling in pain and never getting a result.. Life sucks and I try and stay positive and up beat but sometimes it's just hard and I have to deal with that too."
She replied: "I had no idea it was so taxing on the body and the mind month to month. I can imagine it feeling like the end of the world when you put so much of your life into the hope that it'll work. That is really expensive to have to deal with too. Were they able to tell you why this isn't working? Like if its something genetic or is it just 'these things happen?'. Or is it that something the IVF doctors will be able to do for you? If the chances are better with IVF even with it being so expensive i'm sure you'll find that its worth it when it works... its just a matter of how long it takes.. i know this woman (the cousin of a friend) who tried for years and then switched to IVF, after I believe it was a few months of trying, got her rainbow baby. But about 2 years later when she was trying for a second one, kept having miscarriages until they decided 1 was enough because the whole process was too hard. This might be a not good story.. but i hope the first part, about her having a baby, is what matters. And this might seem silly to ask... but for the cost, is that per treatment or multiple?"
I replied: "IVF that's for one treatment. I didn't mean to put a downer on your happy news I'm sorry about that. I can't wait to see pictures and I hope you keep me posted. I haven't gotten a letter from you in ages. Hope all is well with you. Miss you always." (We used to be pen pals since grade 4 when I moved away but as we grew up letters came less and less as life became busier and busier lol.. and I am truly happy for her, that will never change.)
She replied: "Ouch, that is expensive... it'll work though! You have to believe it will and the chances are better. No no, I'm glad you told me because I feel that it makes us closer. I'll keep you posted if that's what you want, don't want to bring you down and make you sad."
I didn't reply since it was getting really late and to be honest I didn't really know what to reply. Yes I do really want to be updated and for her to feel like she can share this amazing moment with me.. but at the same time I still need time to deal with the reality of things and to get back on track with being hopeful again. She means the world to me and I want to try and be the best friend she deserves... Might just take me a little bit of time to get there...
The Infertile Mrs. White
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