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Thursday, September 26, 2013

September Update

Little update...

Time off of everything baby making related paid off. I was able to go threw my days easier and not feel like I had so much weight on my shoulders for things to go right and according to schedule.
I also feel a little more hormonal balanced.. The injections and stuff made me not myself. (as in I was extremely sensitive and really hard on myself.) The time off also felt good because my ovaries weren't feeling like they were on fire all the time and sex did not feel like a chore of painful. This month sex has been fun again.. we made love for hours and it felt great. I felt horny all month haha and usually I'm just not in the mood because I'm too sore or my hormones are all out of wack and takes more for me to get in the mood. Also the fact that I've been WAY less stressed has helped alot in being present in the moment and not always so tensed up. I've been sleeping better and not having nightmares all the time. Headaches have been alot fewer too.

Last month after the 2nd failed IUI I really started to come down on myself. I hated myself more then ever. I hated the fact that every time I try something fertility related I panic and take time off the gym in case it disturbs the whole process of growing my follicles properly.. (It's all in my head but I never want to take ANY chances when it comes to trying to do everything in my power to make it go right!). Then when I try and get my stride back in the gym it feels impossible and I feel so week from taking weeks off and I get discouraged so quickly and give up even faster. Then I get into a funk and find myself eating bad.. reaching for chocolate covered almonds, chips, fast food and so on. Worst part is after every "bad" meal I would eat I would get even more depressed and pissed off that I just eat what I eat and so I'd do it again. HUGE viscous circle I was stuck in for a while. I'm stuck in it, then I try and get out.. I feel good again.. the something comes up then I jump right back into that funk and start the whole cycle all over again. BAD!

I always knew what it would take to be happy again.
I knew I had to change my life around dramatically to be happy with myself (body and mind)
I needed to commit to the gym with no excuses.
I needed to start eating healthy and not just here and there, an everyday, every meal kind of deal.
I knew it would be hard, harder then I could imagine.
I knew I'd find myself crying threw it all 
and that I'd be sore daily from working out..
I knew i'd get real grumpy real fast and loose patience
and probably occasionally lash out at my husband for no reason at all.
I knew I'd need friends threw thing huge change
I knew I needed patience and confidence that "change" does not happen overnight
and that it's okay to mess up and start all over the next day.
I knew everything it took to be a better healthier me..
Only thing between happiness and myself is ME!

I know what it takes to be where I want to be..
I just don't feel strong enough to take the leap..
I'm the type that if I don't see results right away I tend to give up.
I tend to want to binge on bad food and find comfort in it after a hard day or a sad one.
I've been committed to going to the gym for over a month and a half now... 5 days a week.
I had been making healthier choices but they are still far far away from being "clean eating" 
It was still a good start for me.. gym and avoiding fast food.
Also I've been caffeine free for over 70 days now! That's huge for me.
I did have 2 coffee slips in there but I'm still really proud of that.

 THIS PAST MONTH...

I worked harder then ever at the gym, 
I worked on "trying" to accept things that I cannot control (infertility)
And work on things that I can (health- get lean & healthy) 
I've had great workouts all month and I've been crazy sore to show for it!
I even had a lady at the gym tell me she noticed a difference 'that I was toning up'.
Oddly enough I thrive on feeling sore because sore means I did something right and that feeling feels good.. It's even contagious. 

Now that I have the gym routine packed down.. I need to tackle 'clean eating'.
That's a HUGE hump for me.. it scared the shit out of me!
When I say clean eating I mean like cutting out ALL sugars, ALL dairy, ALL wheat. 
Wowsers eh! I know.. if I'm gonna 'eat healthy' I need to jump all in and just do it.

I've yet to 'eat clean'... this coming week I plan on researching success stories and meal plans and ideas for every meal of the day for 2 weeks and I would alternate meal plan every 2 weeks. Without a meal plan I would not be able to follow threw. I need a calendar with meals planned ahead and grocery list with very very specific items on them. 
I tend to fall off the wagon real fast and that's why this new healthier way of eating is scary. I'm used to quick access foods like toast, a bowl of cereal, frozen meals, spaghetti, pasta anything, sandwiches.. you name it. I like quick and easy meals... having to prep my meals will be a whole new challenge for me with my busy work and gym schedule. That's when hubby is gonna have to step up and do this with me and help me out as much as he can.

Tonight thought... I feel like I have hit a plateau.
The scale is my new enemy, no joke!!! 
My weight fluctuates so much it's ridiculous, I feel like a yo-yo..
and I'm so sick of it! My weight has yo-yo'ed my whole life.
I really wish I could blame it on the scale or my thyroid!!!
Also.. The pregnancy announcements season has officially begun again.. 
Leaves are changing colours on the trees and babies are growing in bellies.. 
Just not in mine.

quote-little-by-little-infertility-journey

The saying above applies itself to many different aspects in my life.

- Little by little my muscles are getting stronger & I'm gaining A LOT of endurance.
- Little by little I'm starting to feel like maybe I can do this.. with A LOT of patience and dedication!
- Little by little the gym doesn't seem so much like a chore but more like therapy... 'A LOT'
- Little by little I started walking taller.. with A LOT of consistently reminding myself that Change takes time & that time I have.
- Little by little I started reaching for healthier meals for every meal and take A LOT of vitamins and minerals and this makes me feel A LOT healthier!
- Little by little this whole process doesn't seem so un-achievable. 
- Little by little I cry less at night and started sleeping A LOT better.


The Infertile Mrs.White