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Friday, August 23, 2013

Where did my smile go?

I can't seem to shake off my funk. My sadness seems so much deeper then I thought. All day long at work I put on a fake smile and go on with my day.. the minute I go into my car in between clients and on my ride home all I want to do is sit there alone and sob. I've got so much pent up emotions and I don't know how to let them out, I don't know who to talk to about them, I don't know if I'm ready to face how I feel.. Sometimes (most of the time) I rather keep it all in and not talk to friends about how I'm feeling cause I'm scared they will say something I don't want to hear or that I'm not ready to hear.. I know they mean well and if I was in a better state of mind all the support and effort they put into cheering me up would work but I feel like lately I'm beyond being repaired with a band-aid. My heart aches all day every day. Absolutely everything makes me want to cry and it seems that pregnant women, lady's walking holding their children's hands, fathers with their sons, grandparents talking about their grandchildren with sparkles in their eyes.. I see it all, I examine them, I want to be them, I envy the world around me and seem to sink deeper and deeper.

Every morning I wake up and try to convince myself that "Today" will be a new day, that Today I will go threw my day and not feel this sadness on my heart. I miss being able to go threw my day smiling and feeling hopeful that soon being a mom will be my world, my universe.

I hate how money is the root of evil in my life. If we had money I would be prepping for my IVF cycle right now. If we had money my husband would feel differently about this whole infertility and treatment process. All he sees is bills bills and dept! We can't afford to put ourselves in more dept, we just moved out here over a year ago and we had to buy EVERYTHING new (couch, tv stand, bed frame, backboard & mattress, 2 dressers, 2 night stands, dining room table, a washer & dryer & 2 bookshelves.. list goes on). Our line of credit is almost maxed out. Everyone keeps telling us "Why don't you just take out another loan" this frustrates me, like I haven't thought about this before & also like it's that easy!!! Banks don't just give out line of credits like water. People don't realize the cost that doing a IVF cycle in tales. It's not just the straight up cost of IVF procedure, medication, assisted hatching and freezing the backup eggs that hurt the wallet, it's all the mileage we have to put on our cars, the tanks of gas to get us there and back, the parking at the hospital, the days off work we have to take... Then "IF" the cycle works, I'd have VERY high chances of having twins or triplets.. so you can only imagine what the cost of raising them in the first year would be. We would need a line of credit just for that on it's own! So there is no way (for now anyways) that we plan on getting out another line of credit to pay for the IVF. We just can't, it's not smart to put ourselves in so much dept before even conceiving a child. Money is stressing both of us out and is bringing the evil side of us out. I'm so sick of it!

The Infertile Mrs.White