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Monday, February 10, 2014

The aftermath.

What IUI #3 looked like....

To grow follicles: 11 days of Menopur 150iu injected into stomach (buuurns like a SOA-bitch!)
To Ovulate: 1 day "trigger shot" Chorionic Gonadotropin 10.000usp injected into stomach (ouch!!) 
IUI day: Injecting husbands sperm into my uterus ($250) and hope for the best. 
Post IUI: 15 days of Prometrium tablcts 2Xam & 2Xpm inserted vaginally
Post 2ww: Big Fat Stupid Negative.. what a big surprise.. 
1 baseline ultrasound (check that we are all good to go)
3 follow up ultrasounds & bloodwork (check on follicle growth progress)
1 iui procedure day (inject hubbys sperm into me)
1 7day post iui bloodwork 
5 pregnancy cheapie tests (test out fake positive from left over trigger shot)
3 expensive pregnancy tests (All BFN)
5 days of AF to confirm it failed.

 And why it's so hard to "be okay" failed cycle after cycle. At some point you're just not "okay" anymore and all the sadness you barried deep deep down inside cycle after cycle suddenly comes pouring out of you and there's no stopping it. I carry this sadness around with me everyday and everywhere and it feels like no matter what I do I can't get back to that place where I was "okay" where I was able to keep all my emotions and feeling barried deep down so that I could keep moving forward.. What does one do when you get to this point. Ya sure I still have IVF to try.. but god knows when that will happen and then what? We have absolutely no guarentees and what will our lives be life after a failed IVF that cost us a huge ass chunk of money. As understanding, patient and amazing my husband is, I can just see us be different people after going threw that. Both going threw our own grief and that scares me to death... not only the whole ivf but what the whole process does to a person and to a couple. At least if we were well off with money to spare I would dive right into IVF no problem but when money is an issue and we just don't have that kind of money laying around with no guarantees its so scary. That could be a nice down payment on a new home.. and if IVF fails we would turn to adoption but you have to own your own home in order to adopt and then we would have to wait even longer to save for a down payment on a house and push back the adoption process even farther. We want kids, we want to be a large family... we always planned on having a pregnancy for our first and then turning to adoption to grow our family.. but if ivf doesnt work then that just screws up the whole plan process..   
This is what INFERTILITY really looks like.
Barry it inside all day and once you get home it just comes pouring out and there's no controlling it.
We get pretty good at pretending we're "okay" though. 
Becomes a skill set we acquire.

Don't mind the stupid face im making.. 2 seconds after the pic was taken i was curled up on my bed in a ball bawling my eyes out.. I was home alone and needed to just let it out. I took this picture because way later down the road I want to remember this moment... and all the moments that lead me to hopefully someday a miracle of my own. I also took it to remind people that everyone has a story of their own and for the past 3 years this has been mine.

What sucks the most is this cycle would have been amazing timing. Baby would have been due in the beginning of November... my husbands birthday is Nov 7th and he's turning the big 30 and he had reminded me at the start of this cycle how amazing it would be to get a son/daughter as a birthday present. Ugh :( Plus my best friend is pregnant with her second and found out on New years eve so how perfect would that timing have been!!! We would have been like 2 months apart!!! But nope, apparently God has a bigger plan and I clearly don't see what it is because we both wanted this so bad with every molecule in our bodies.

The Infertile Mrs.White