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Monday, February 3, 2014


I'm not gonna lie, I spent a good hour crying curled up on my couch alone at home. I don't know what it was but something came over me and I couldn't control it. I gave this cycle my all and it failed me in return. I didn't shed a single tear IUI#2 because I had hope, I knew that we had agreed to 3 IUI's total and that there was still a chance for us out there.. that each IUI gave us more and more information on what dosages I needed and how my body reacted to different meds and different strengths. #3 failing stung more then I thought it would. It's almost like hope and my strength had left me.. I felt weak and vulnerable and all I wanted to do was disappear for a while.. a long while. My best friend and close friend are both pregnant now with their 2nd and I really thought it was my turn to jump on board.. be part of the action.. grow and live threw pregnancy with them and finally be truly happy. Instead I'm back to square 1.. back to the blank canvas and I'm really not sure where that road will lead us. Yes, we still have an option.. IVF.. but it's definitely not cheap and it's definitively a huge hurtle to cross with no guarantees. My body still feels really messed up from all the injections and I know AF is lurking around the corner and that it's not gonna be a fun cycle... my lining actually grew really nice and thick so to have to shed it now sucks and everyday of AF, I have a feeling will make it harder and harder to get back to being "okay" with it all. Everyday I see red & go threw cramps and all that fun stuff is going to be a constant reminder of my body's failure. I want this cycle to come and go as fast as it possibly can so that I can truly turn the page on my failed attempt to becoming a mom.

The Infertile Mrs.White